Jacob's Journal

By Way of Explanation

2005-05-01T22:12:00.000-07:00

I was reading through my Bible School journal the other day and it occurred to me that there might be someone else out there who would benefit from reading it. I guess this assumes that either a) someone out there is as interested in me as I am or b) my life is worth reading about. I'm not certain that either is true, but I suppose all blogs make a similar assumption. I'll let you be the judge of whether it's true in this case.

It's possible (even likely) that I may regret this some day, but I've slept on it and it still seems like a good idea for the moment, so I'll give it a go. For those who don't know me, I should explain that I attended a 1 year Bible School program last year, and that this year had a profound influence on my faith, life, and religious beliefs. The rest should become evident as we go.

This will be an abridged and slightly edited version of my journal. The original version contains both God stuff and occasional girl stuff, and the latter has of course been edited out. I'll also be correcting some of the more embarrassing syntactical errors and glossing over some of the stuff I most wish I'd never written. As is my practice, all names will be edited out so as to protect the anonymity of my friends and acquaintances who (mostly) were not consulted about appearing in my blogs. My goal here is to present an honest, coherent look at the journey that has made me what I am today, which I hope will be encouraging for those who are on similar journeys and thought-provoking for those who are not. The bulk of my entries will be directly from my journal. Any additions or comments will be placed in square brackets [like so] or in italics at the end. I intend to publish in monthly installments.

And that's quite enough preamble. I hope you will find the time you spend here profitable. Let's begin.

August 1

2004-08-30T21:19:00.000-07:00

Thinking today about how different people are. [I mean my Bible school classmates.] We think differently, we feel differently, we love and hope and trust differently. We're all God's kids, precious and radiant and deserving of love in our own ways, but we're all different.

I'll warn you now: this is a test, but not a fair one. I have formed a conclusion based on highly questionable data. On the one side I have the people mentioned above, plus myself and the other Christians I know. On the other I have Douglas Coupland, as I understand him from reading Life After God. It seems to me that we, the Christians, (though none of us are perfect, and few of us are good) all have hope. Douglas, it seems, does not. And while I'm wary, even cynical about this kind of ill-informed, over-generalized and perhaps arrogant statement, while I have deep doubts about whether God really does anything tangible whatsoever in our lives, it seems to me, so far, that this is true: Christians tend to have more hope than non-Christians. To me, this is somehow very comforting.

Of course I'd have to know a lot more non-Christians (and Christians) for this comparison to have any validity. Theoretically, I suppose it makes sense that people with firm religious beliefs would have more hope for the future. I'm not sure why I found this comforting.

August 2

2004-08-29T21:27:00.000-07:00

Sitting in room 5, upstairs in the staff building. It's 3:00 and I'm newly awakened from a lazy reader's nap, lying the wrong way around in my jeans on top of the mess of sheets. Douglas Coupland's infectious gloom is heightened in me by my recent re-entry into consciousness, by the rooms sparse and hopelessly out-dated furnishings, and by the feeble half-light that filters through the drapes. I feel as if I'm not doing my job, which is silly because there's probably nothing for me to do [I was a chore boy], but I am hiding away from them to be lazy and gloomy and read a non-Christian book. I wonder if I'm depressed. Probably not, but maybe melancholy. I wish my friends were here to hold me, to speak softly to me, to look into my eyes as if searching for my soul, or just to laugh, making sunshine out of half-light and give me hope and life.

But none of my friends can come to me here. I suppose I should just go back down and be with the camp people - good and godly people. And maybe they'll be singing. Maybe they'll be smiling.

(Later)

Sitting in the empty dining hall. It's 9:20 and I can't sit still. I've got that restless feeling - the kind I had in Vancouver, and just before Christmas. In Vancouver maybe it was different because it was mainly about trying to figure out my feeling toward a girl, but it was the same kind of restlessness, the same confusion and impulsiveness and tiredness, the same slightly nauseous feeling in my stomach and in my soul.

My feelings before Christmas were easier to nail down. I was frustrated because I had this vague yet nagging feeling that Bible school could be better, deeper. I wanted to yell at people and say "We can do better than this! Throw away your preconceptions about the limits of commitment and intimacy, and let's see how deep we can go!" Honestly, I didn't have a clue what I was talking about. I just felt like we were settling for something that could have been better, and I wasn't satisfied. Now that I think of it, maybe I usually feel like this (I don't have a very good memory for feelings), but it seems to be coming to the surface now. Basically, I'm feeling really discontented with myself. I don't know what I'm seeking, I'm just really loathing my current existence. I'm trying to convince myself that all I'm expected to do and all I can do is just live a normal life, be good, and try to love people. There's no such thing as radical faith for me. There's no such thing as "Barbarian Christian". I will never wear a Camelskin and scream at people. I will never heal the sick or cast out demons or be hated or beaten or killed. I must be content with this: be normal, be good, try to love people. I hate that.

If anyone has any genuine, workable ideas about how to be a "Barbarian Christian" I'd love to hear them. I've more or less resigned myself to normalcy, but I'd be delighted to try for something more.

The End of the Beginning

2004-08-28T18:21:00.000-07:00

So that's the end of my Bible School journal. I feel like I should wrap it up somehow, but I'm not really sure what to say. I guess I'd just like to thank you for reading this blog, if indeed you have. I really have no grasp of how interesting or useful this is to anyone else. Hopefully you could relate to my journey at certain points. Hopefully I said something you needed to hear. If nothing else, I feel like I've benefited from re-reading and re-thinking my experiences.

The Bible School I attended (which for some reason I've cryptically referred to as just "Bible School") was Mount Carmel in Edmonton, Canada. I'm not sure what impression you've formed of the place, but I loved it. As this journal indicates, Carmel is a big part of why I am who I am today. (But don't let that scare you off - I think I'm an anomaly.) If you're considering attending Bible School, if you want to discuss anything I've written here, or if you just want to chat, you can e-mail me by clicking the "My Profile" link in the sidebar. (If you know me and we haven't talked in a while you should definitely e-mail me.)

I think that's all I have to say.

Goodnight, you princes of Maine, you kings of New England.

July 13

2004-07-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm at camp. I can't blog, so I'm journaling. I'm feeling sick. Like heart-sick, or soul-sick. I just read back through this journal, and the total effect is kind of depressing and frustrating. I've realized just today that I'm struggling against God, and it's a dumb thing to do, and I need to stop. I need to just let go of all my expectations and longings for God and be good. But it sucks. I don't want to live my life like this.

The astute reader will note that there were no entries for June. By this point my blog was in full motion, and only the absence of computer access at camp allowed for these final few entries.

July 14

2004-07-29T20:59:00.000-07:00

We're going to turn this thing around. I'm going to get out of this anger and doubt shit and come back to God. I realized just recently a few glaringly obvious things that must be admitted and must be acted on. First, I'm fighting against God. Second, this is a stupid thing to do. Third, I've become used to this, and do it just out of habit. Fourth, I do this largely because I find normal Christianity boring, and I rebel to feel special and interesting. This also means that I'm looking for some dramatic event to justify a return to God, rather than just admit I'm being stupid and do what I know I have to do.

But I'm ready now. Maybe it's just being here at camp with so many cool people - people who believe things I'd never even consider believing, trusting God to a degree I'd only imagine trusting him - but I'm feeling ready to let go of my angry stubbornness and be his child again. I'm ready to pray without cynicism and try reading my Bible and being joyful and content. There's nothing dramatic about this. It's just a choice I needed to make, and now I've made it, so let's get on with life.

July 27

2004-07-28T21:04:00.000-07:00

I'm at children's camp, sitting on my bunk. I should probably be out there doing something with my kids, but I just can't find the strength to smile and deal with them now. I'm feeling drained, hopeless, purposeless. I'm fighting to keep the Evanescence out of my mental playlist. Why am I here? Because I said I would be. Because they need someone to be here so the kids can be here. But I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I'm back to that problem I faced my previous week of counseling - the week before I started coming back to God. The problem is prayer. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, do I pray for strength? Because I'm convinced that God will not help me in any perceivable, tangible way. To pray without faith would be wrong. But if I don't pray, I'm relying on my own strength. What if I fail? Worse, what if I succeed? I don't want to be self-sufficient. But I'm beginning to think that's the way it's got to be. I am Jacob; I am strong. Somehow, somewhere, that strength comes from God, but I don't understand that part.

May 3

2004-05-30T20:41:00.000-07:00

Jesus rule over me. God, I've written you a lot of pretty words. I've prayed a lot of pretty prayers. I'm not always sure how sincere I am - am I writing from the true longings of my heart, or just spouting poetic babble for the pleasure of my own ear? Jesus make me transparent. Make me real. Let me see with crystal clarity, as you do, the true nature of my heart. Show me my flaws and failures. Guide me through my circumstances. Jesus, please don't leave me lukewarm and impure. I want to live a radical life for you. I want to fly higher; I want to hurt deeper. Sink your claws into me, God. Don't hold back. Oh bind me to your purpose Lord. Never let me go. I am willing, I am longing to live for you. Pour it on, God, pour it on, pour it on! Oh God, why am I saying this? You know what I'm really wanting, even so much more than I do. So why do I even pray? Or do you really want to hear it from me? Here it is: GOD, POUR IT ON! That's what I've got to say. But how can I ask you for anything? You know what's best, and you'll do it. I trust you in that. Or is it supposed to just focus me on what I should do? In that case I guess the message is "Pour it on yourself!" That's what some people I know would say. Lord, help me in that. It's so hard. But just in case everybody's right and there is power in prayer, I bend all that power on this: God, pour it on.

This is how I pray. This is why prayer seems so pointless to me. I ask God for things, but he knows what I want and what I need. Why would I even want to advise God? Or will God really not do his best for me unless I ask him? And why do my prayers seem to have no affect on anything? The whole thing is maddening.

May 6

2004-05-29T21:00:00.000-07:00

I think I'm pretty easy to get along with. I don't get mad at people. I like people. People like me. I hate to see conflict between people, and when I do, it seems like I can understand where they're both coming from and sympathize with them. Hm, I seem to be incapable of writing long entries anymore. Not sure why. In brief, I seem to be able to get along with nearly everyone... except God. The problem is that God doesn't play by the rules of relationship. He's not even very courteous. Mostly though, he just has poor communication skills. I don't know what to do about this. Once again, I know that somehow he's right, and somehow the problem's with me. And once again, that's infuriating. Help me out here, God.

My recent breakthrough came when I decided to accept the way my life is and stop assuming that my distance from God is somehow my fault. Once I stopped blaming myself for not having what I want and was able to be at peace with what I have, I was suddenly freed from this cycle of longing and depression. The Buddha was right - desire is the root of suffering.

May 11

2004-05-28T15:41:00.000-07:00

It is midnight. I sit on a couch at my friends' house. Alone, but for the ticking of a clock, the soundless gliding of my pen, and even-present God. I have just finished watching Moulin Rouge, and I am feeling, by association, a sort of tragic grandeur, as if I my myself were the man at the typewriter. As if I myself had been burdened and blessed with such love, such pain, such special effects. I glance at the fridge and see the pictures of my dear classmates. About twenty of these are girls. Of these twenty, about half I would consider friends - that is, I've had at least one real conversation with them. A handful have been the object of my crushes, to various degrees. Perhaps three have shared with me, or I with them, something special. Something that binds us together through time and space with some intangible kinship - something beautiful and blessed. Only one of these girls (contrary to popular belief) have I ever proposed to, and that only vicariously. Any of these girls could capture my thoughts and emotions and guide my pen tonight. Any name could be etched here for my aged reflection, or for posterity's speculation, or for the flame. But none of these girls will be mortalized here tonight. It is a solemn thing, and ought not to be done out of self-indulgent passion or boredom. Or so it seems to me now. Instead, I present for the reader's consideration my relationship with God. It seemed to me when I began to write that my relationship with God was somehow like the story of Moulin Rouge. Perhaps (as I now feel) this is not the case. But I have been at this now for 45 minutes, and I feel the need to see it through. So what is the connection? Neither of us is a woman. Certainly neither of us is a whore. Neither of us are cast in brilliant color and live in a world of song and dance and absurd cinematography. I think it's the hell-bent devotion, like I want to be devoted to God "come what may" or whatever. But maybe I don't. I don't know. It's late, and my head's in a whirl. So many impulses. What do I do? Another line comes to mind: "Daddy, you bastard, I'm through." I don't know which represents my feelings right now. I just feel like someone's laughing at me, because it's all been said before, and I haven't changed since the fall. Oh Jesus. (See the formula. Always the "Oh Jesus".) What gives, God? What is there to say? You know what, God? I say I'll do anything for this relationship. How about this: I won't let go until you bless me. Let's go God. Let's fight.

I suppose this is where I first started to identify with Jacob. I figured that I fight enough with the my own concepts of God, maybe I could fight with God himself for a change. Didn't really work. Btw, I'm not exactly sure what I was talking about with the marriage proposal. I think I was referring to a video we made.

May 29

2004-05-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

I suppose I should tell you how that night went. I stayed up until 5:00 waiting for God. Finally I admitted that it was stupid, and that God will not come at my call, even to kick my butt. I think it was useful in some way though, if only because I can now tell myself that I've done everything short of suicide, self-mutilation, and having some Pentecostal preacher lay hands on me to receive a tangible relationship with God, and none of it has worked at all. Suicide's an interesting thought though. I would never consider killing myself, because I can think of literally dozens of people whose love that would betray. But I just wish I could die right now and be with Jesus. Sorry, that's a bad place to end, but writing in this Journal has somehow become burdensome to me. I can't go on.

April 7

2004-04-30T19:57:00.000-07:00

The realization that Bible school is almost over - that in a few short days I'll be done and doing something else - suddenly overwhelmed me. I'm suddenly back to feeling depressed and angry and restless and lethargic. I feel like water running down. Mingled and entwined in my heart are the desires to scream and destroy and the desires to love and give. Give not for the giving, but for the emptying, the bleeding, the loss. Love not for the loving, but for the passion and yearning and hurting. I'm reflecting now, sort of switching gears. I'm looking back over my previous entries and feeling nostalgic. I miss that passionate longing. But maybe I've forgotten how hard it was. I reread November 26 and it doesn't sound like much fun. Ah, forget it. I'm struggling for coherency here, but I'm giving up. Oh I wish I could play the piano like a demon. I'm full of a gentle fury, and if I was a wicked pianist I could scream and pound and whisper, bleeding my dark soul through my fingertips in a symphony of beautiful cold noise. "A gentle fury". Sounds good, doesn't it?

April 10

2004-04-29T20:19:00.000-07:00

What if I were going to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength? What if I were going to dedicate every aspect of my being to his service? What would have to change? Ok, flashback to around Christmas time. I'm feeling convicted again to form a more meaningful relationship with my parents. If anyone should be asked these kinds of questions, it's them. Why is this so hard?

New topic: Somebody told me yesterday that I'm the kind of guy who has no emotion. I can see why he'd think that, but I think he's wrong. I think I'm very passionate, actually. I can be physically sick over a girl. I can work myself into dark spirals of depression that color my whole world in red and black. I can feel great anger towards God for his silence and distance. And I suppose I can long for God too, when my frustration ebbs. The problem is that most of my emotions are negative and destructive. I suppose I'm a pessimist at heart. So I generally try to suppress my emotions, and I think I mostly succeed, at least to the point of hiding them from others. But they're still there, brooding below the surface, to be called upon when I feel like being love-sick or depressed or angry. I'd like to have some more positive emotions, but I don't know how to develop them. Jesus.

Quickly back to the first topic. I suppose my thinking of talking to my parents is what you would call an epiphany. I suppose I could attribute it to the prompting of the spirit. Not that I need to - I can easily see the thought process leading up to it, so it's hardly a miracle, but if I were looking to confirm (rather than deny) the voice of God answering my prayers, that's the sort of thing I might take as evidence. To be fair.

April 13

2004-04-28T20:34:00.000-07:00

My Old Testament prof marked my paper on Malachi, though he hasn't handed it back yet. He sort of alluded to it in class, and apparently he brought it up in a staff meeting too. I think it really affected him, probably negatively. Reading through Malachi I got really mad at God, and I think I really let my venom drip through onto my paper. Then my prof got it on his hands, and he wiped his eyes, and now we're all in trouble. I'm thinking about why I write papers like that, and there's probably dozens of reasons, but basically it's irresponsible, I think, to burden my prof with that. I hope to talk with him soon and "sort it out". Jesus make me honest.

I'm not sure if I agree with my conclusion here anymore. I don't think I should have to worry about protecting professors from my difficulties with the material. I think mostly I just hate making people feel bad, and I blame myself for causing them discomfort by asking tough questions. On the other hand, sometimes I do share more of my problems with certain people than I should. It's tough to strike the right balance.

April 25

2004-04-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

Well, grad was yesterday, and now it's all over. It's very weird, and hard to comprehend. Some people are already gone. One of my friends left without saying goodbye. That was hard. And most people who are staying around I'll rarely see anymore. So many people, so many memories, such great community, and now it's gone. That hurts. Jesus be with us.

March 12

2004-03-30T19:09:00.000-08:00

Here I am again. Today is a spiritual retreat with Bible School so I'm going to see if I can write something. The last month or two have been pretty turbulent, with my frustration and doubt sort of peaking, and me realizing that I'm stuck as a Christian, and I can't do anything about it. But I cannot come to God from a position of intellectual pride - I must realize my dependency on God and just trust him.

March 21

2004-03-29T19:15:00.000-08:00

On the way to Mexico. More on that later. I picked this thing up again because I need to flesh out a thought I'm having. I was just wondering why people hang out with me. Is it because I'm funny or interesting, or is it because they're good people, and feel like they should, even if they don't want to? Oh, I hope I'm fun to be with; that no one's doing a good deed by hanging out with me. But why do I hope that? Because I'm proud and want to feel like I'm worth something, and my gauge of that is other's opinions. I judge other people, giving them value based on their beauty or intelligence or whatever, and based on that I declare them either someone I want to hang out with or someone I feel I should hang out with as a good deed. The first group I think of highly, and the second group lowly, and it's only natural then, that I should wonder what group I'm in in other people's minds, and because I assign value to them based on their desirability, I wish to assign value to myself based on their opinions. This whole thing is twisted and wrong. The best people are the ones who really want to hang out with everyone, or at least make you believe they do. And God has no such distinctions. So who cares if people hang out with me because they want to or out of mercy - I deserve it either way, and it's their loss only if they do it for the wrong reasons. Of course this also applies to me - I need to hang out with everyone out of love and enjoy it. I can't do that in my own strength. There's no way. But I can pray to be conformed to the heart of God in all my relating to others. Jesus Christ, make it so.

So we stopped in Vegas yesterday and walked down the strip. It was incredible: the hotels were bigger than you can imagine, the whole thing reeked of decadence and excess, and there was porn everywhere you looked. It struck me that this is IT. This is the pinnacle of hedonism and materialism. This is what the rest of our society aspires to. And it's shit. It's repulsive. It stinks of sin and selfishness and it crawls with the cancerous pleasure-lust that our world worships. Any longing for wealth or power or excitement is merely a dilution of this great lie which is seen so plainly here. It makes me think twice before looking to pleasure and self-indulgence. I suppose if you want to determine what is good, you should look at it in it's most concentrated form, where everything is compressed and exaggerated. In this form, sin is seen as clearly undesirable, and Godliness is seen as transcendently beautiful. Jesus keep this in my mind (as you will), and let me never thirst for "hint of shit".

March 22

2004-03-28T19:38:00.000-08:00

We're stranded overnight in Barstow California in a little Vineyard Church. The bus broke down, but it should be fixed today. Last night we had a good long worship session. We sand and talked and did our choir songs, and we sang He is Wonderful over and over. The whole thing was cool - classic worship experience dealie. And I don't know, it was good and whatever. Now I'm sitting here just getting frustrated thinking about it. I thought writing would help me sort through what I think of worship stuff and the feelings it produces. I don't know what I think. Grr. Oh Jesus Christ. I can't do the feeling thing. Maybe for the moment, but never for long. But I think I can do dogged, hell-bent devotion, if you'll help me.

Oh ya, I guy offered to take me to his pastor and see if I can be baptized in the Spirit, but I'm just so skeptical, I don't think I can. But I'd like to maybe see it or something. Jesus Christ. Give me what strength I need to do your work to the highest degree. Be the Lord over me.

March 23

2004-03-23T19:52:00.000-08:00

I am strong; break me. I am proud; break me. I am cool and complacent; break me. I am lukewarm, I am secure, I am self-righteous; break me! I am self-reliant, self-indulgent, self-exalting, and self-focused; break me. I am angry and lazy, I am skin-deep and love-dry; break me. I am sinful and fearful and wretched and weak; break me still. Lord I'm working on a guess here, but I think I need breaking. Hello Jesus, my name is Jacob, and I'm a stupid, prideful, complacent wretch. Oh Jesus, break me. Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.

January 5

2004-01-30T20:23:00.000-08:00

God, I'm frustrated with you. And with me, I guess, and with everything else. I'm just fed up. And I know that I've felt this way before, but that just makes it even more frustrating. Seriously God, what's going on? I try to be totally honest with myself, and with you, and really with everyone. (If I wasn't striving for honestly I might express less frustration.) I'm just a little sick and tired of philosophical and psychological nitpicking. I'm fed up with the fine points of theology and the nuances of symantics. I want to know you, God. And I want to love you and serve you. And I'm tired of being a "great guy" for asking the "hard questions", and I'm tired of being corrected and refocused by all these wise people. I've been doing an hour of devos a day (insert theological clarifications and disclaimers here) and I try to think of you all the time. God, I'm scared because I want to know you more, and I am willing to do what it takes, but I'm afraid of just fooling myself into a psychological connection with a God who doesn't exist. I guess I might just be asking for a sign, but I hate to think that. No, that's not really what I want. I guess I'm in tension between craving yet scorning intellectual assurance and longing for yet mistrusting baseless psychological assurance. Wow, I'm stuck God. And I'm almost afraid to ask you for help, because I'll misinterpert any help you might give me. And I'm not wanting to talk to other people, because I'm fed up with theology and semantics. Ultimatly I'm maybe just sick of feeling like I'm doing everything right but nothing's happening. Shoot. Help me Lord.

January 13

2004-01-29T20:32:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't written in a while. God, eh? Basically, I realize that I'm skeptical of God's involvement in all areas of my life. There is no event I can think of where I look back and say "There had to be divine involvement there". So even if I could reach a sort of sense of God's presence, I would tell myself that it's all in my head. So I'm stuck. I guess some day I'll develope the faith to see God in all the stuff in my life, and then I could accept a sense of his presence, but I can't get there just by wishing I was. And I don't totally want to anyway. I don't want stupid faith, but maybe that's the only kind there is. We'll see.

January 14

2004-01-28T06:48:00.000-08:00

I've been trying to think a lot lately, but my mind is muddled. My Bible study tonight was on Romans 9, so I'm a bit mad at God right now. I'm wondering if my whole approach to God issues is wrong. See, when I read about these issues, I don't think "how can I fit this into my idea of a good God", I think "does this mean there even is a good God?" I'm not willing to let go of my skepticism. And while that may be a good thing, and even necessary for me intellectually, I think it hinders my spiritual growth. But I don't know if I should or even could give up my doubts. Maybe if I tried for dumb faith I would walk away from God altogether. Maybe I should just walk away. But I don't think I really could do that either. So I'm stuck. Jesus Christ help me. I can't even pray.

I've never totally resolved this apparent tension between thinking and having faith. I like to think that faith that infringes on reason isn't real/good/beneficial faith, but I'm not sure if that's true or not. I suppose I currently just see no reason to pursue faith at the expense of reason, so I confine faith to the things about which I have no knowledge. I have no idea if this is "right" or not.

January 17

2004-01-27T09:10:00.000-08:00

"Give us clean hands; give us pure hearts. Let us not lift our souls to another." That's what's running through my head right now. Hm. I don't really have anything to write right now. God is faithful. God is good. Blessed be the name of the Lord. I've been thinking about how much we should be driven by passion, and how much we should rely on our wills. If I want to do more devotions do I psyc myself up or just bear down?

Ok, this part is written hours later. I have nothing really to say. I'm in one of those places, like the woods between worlds, where I'm just not thinking or feeling anything in particular. There's nothing left to say, except that God is good.

January 20

2004-01-26T09:13:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling frustrated again. Yesterday I spent the afternoon rewriting the story of the prodigal son according to my experiences with the non-presence of God. I read it to a teacher and we discussed how I'm too cynical about everything. I was struck. I know I'm cynical, but how could I not be? Would I still be smart if I wasn't cynical? Could I even stop if I tried? I don't know. I started writing a New Testament paper today on the role of the Holy Spirit in the early church, and I quickly reverted to bitterness and cynicism. I don't know how to stop that. I can't envision thinking about things any other way. God! What do I do? Where are you? How can you be all-powerful and all-silent? How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13) God, I want to break free from this pit of longing. Wait, I guess I asked for this, didn't I? Well, this isn't what I meant! It's not helping me! I'm just stagnant and self-focused, and it's holding me back. I don't know, Lord. Please help me.

The story referred to at the top is one of my favorites. I think I'll include it below.

The Prodigal Returns (JHV)

2004-01-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

So he got up and went to his father.
But while he was still a long way off, he met his older brother working in the field. His brother greeted him warmly and welcomed him back to the family. “Though,” he said, “don’t expect to see Father any time soon. Oh it’s not that he won’t forgive you – they say he loves you very much – but he doesn’t see any of us very often. He stays in the house mostly, in a room with a locked door.” He looked wistfully towards the house. “I thought I saw him once, watching me through the window, but it was from a long way off, and I couldn’t tell if it was him. I don’t even really know what he looks like.” He turned back and smiled at his brother. “It’s good to see ya again bro. Here, you can work with me. I’ll show you the ropes.”
The younger brother frowned. “You’re… not angry with me? I mean, I screwed up big there. And you’ve always been the good one…”
“Hey, don’t worry. Daddy always taught us forgiveness. See, we get real good at following Dad’s instructions around here. If you work hard and do what he says – he wrote us a book, you know – you’ll become an awesome farmer. You can learn from me too. I’m not as good as Dad of course – they say no one ever farmed like him – but I’m learning to do things his way.”
“Will I ever get to see Dad?”
“Oh sure! We’ll all see him someday. And that, little brother, will make all our work worthwhile. We’ll have a feast like you’ve never seen, and we’ll be together, us and Dad. But no one knows when that will be. Maybe you’ve heard that this life is all about being with Dad. That’s not how it is. Mostly we work. It’s good work, and we get to talk to each other, but don’t you believe that stuff about a relationship with Dad.”
“I just thought I could talk to him… say I’m sorry.”
“You can certainly do that. I’ll take you to his room, and you can speak to him through the door. He’ll hear you, but don’t expect him to talk back.”
“He’s never even talked to you?”
“Not me. Some people – some of our older brothers, I mean – say he’s answered them. Some have sat by the door for years, and they say he’ll have whole conversations with them. I heard one story of a brother who was invited right into the room! Oh, but he was a good farmer.”
"So if you work hard enough..."
“It’s not dependent on you though. It’s all up to Dad. I know brothers who are better farmers than I’ll ever be, and they’ve never so much as heard him whisper. Others, it seems like he just… cares for them more. He’ll talk to them even though they can’t farm as well as I can.”
“That doesn’t seem fair.”
“No, Dad’s not fair. But he’s good. He provides for us. He teaches us to farm. It’s a good life bro, and remember this: you wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him. Who knows, maybe you’ll be a lucky one. …If you ever get to talk to him, tell him I love him. Tell him I work hard, and I just can’t wait to meet him. I mean, I’ve told him myself, and I know he hears me, but… never mind. Look, it’s great to see you again bro. You work hard and stick with me. I think you’ll make a great farmer.”

January 21

2004-01-24T09:42:00.000-08:00

I need to get out of this mindset I'm in. I have no faith. I question everything - theological concepts, church doctrines, the infallibility of the Bible, and the goodness of God. And it's crippling. It's poisoning. I can't show my joy to others, because I have an attitude of misery. I can't tell someone that Jesus will help them, because I don't believe he will. I am angry and mistrusting. And I'm wasting my life. I have 60 years on this earth to do God's work, and I'm sitting around playing self-destructive mind-games. I think it would be quite possible for me to spend the rest of my life in this state. What a waste! Oh, I want to have faith, but I don't even feel like I should want it, because if I want it too much I may concoct it out of my own mind. But even if it's real, it will still probably be indistinguishable from a psychological trick. And I would inevitably doubt it, even if I didn't want to. So I'm big-time stuck. But I need to get out. Jesus, help me. I'm hosed God, you're my only hope.

January 25

2004-01-23T08:22:00.000-08:00

I've learned something very interesting about theology: it's illogical. On first viewing each doctrine seems simple. Then it becomes mystical, then complex, then baffling, and ultimately contradictory. Push anything far enough and it becomes a basic contradiction. Three in one? Absurd. Fully God and fully man? Incompatible. Predestination and free will? Lunacy. You know, I used to scorn Mormons - how could they waste their good brain on such obvious foolishness? And I used to shake my head at Orwell. Would any human beings so willingly abuse their intellect? But then I looked at what I believe. Christianity can only exist through ignorance or doublethink. So ultimately, I've reached a point where I have to choose between forsaking my mind and trusting an irrational God, or running from him, or staying in this terrible limbo. I suppose the critical factor here is my deep gut feeling that God exists and all of this is true. Perhaps it would be wise for me to attempt to break that bond, just to see if it could be broken. If so, I could forsake this illogical Christianity and go wherever my mind takes me - likely Agnosticism. If not, I would have to accept that I truly am stuck with God, and I'll have to do my best with that - likely by surrendering to him in faith. One thing is certain: I do not want to stay here in stagnant cynicism. But I do not think I could do what I've proposed - my fear of hell and a wasted life [wasted because it is not "lived for Christ" as the camp preachers would say] runs too deep. The irony is that by rejecting this proposal I may be choosing to waste my life in cynicism. God, what's going on? Am I being honest, or sensational? Guide me Lord.

I apologize for my rather scornful and dismissive mention of Mormonism. Where I come from Mormonism is the face of unthinking religion, and I'd be grateful for the opportunity to adjust my views towards Mormons if anyone were willing to help me out. (And I still think most of our theology is contradictory.)

January 27

2004-01-22T10:26:00.000-08:00

Talked to my first person at my Impact program today. I'm hooked. It was a girl, and she was scared. She asked to speak to a girl, so I gave her up, but the sound of her voice was enough to slay me. I don't know why, but I was totally blown away. I was just struck that this is a real person, and she has real problems, and I can help her. I was just sitting there thinking "I love you. I want to help you and hold you and keep you safe. I want to wipe away your tears and give you joy. I want to be Jesus to you." Oh God, thank you so much for this opportunity you've given me to change lives and show your love. Please help me do a good job and really help these people. I just fear that my chronic doubting will inhibit my ability to help these people, or make it necessary for me to lie to them. May it never be! Don't let me be ineffective. God, this is what it's all about. Every step and every breath is working toward a greater loving and serving of your precious children. Oh Lord, don't let me be betrayed by my intellect. Mould and refine me for the sake of these, your Beloved. Jesus make it so.

All this apologetic, self-demeaning talk about thinking is getting on my nerves. I think it was my insecurity about thinking that inhibited me more than the thinking itself. But that's how I felt then.

February 8

2004-01-21T11:12:00.000-08:00

Looks like I don't Journal much any more. Perhaps now I email instead. I've been struggling a lot recently with why I am a Christian. I decided that it's not based on any kind of reasoning, but just on a feeling in my gut that there is a God, and that he cares for me.

And that's all for February. It picks up a bit in March, but the journal is definitely winding down by this point. If you've stuck with me so far (and I have no idea if anyone is actually reading this) have courage - the end is closer than it seems. Love you.

December 7

2003-12-30T22:09:00.000-08:00

It's stupid that I'm not writing more - I've got so much going on. I'm really seeing some interesting stuff related to my identity as a Christian. Friday was a "spiritual retreat" with Carmel, so I spent a lot of time in prayer. I don't think I've ever prayed as long and earnestly as I did on Friday. In some ways it was amazing. But I'm pretty sure I didn't hear from God. I've said this before, but I really think I'm at the point of total frustration. I've tried not to become complacent, and I don't think I am, but I feel disillusioned, and I don't really have the faith that God will speak to me. How can I? I mean, I think maybe God will reveal himself to me someday, but I just have very little hope left that this is the day. Maybe my whole approach or attitude is wrong, but I'm done beating myself up about that. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IF YOU WON'T TELL ME? I think maybe this whole attitude of expectation or that I can demand something of God is a little off - certainly I have qualms about yelling at him. And yet this is how I feel, and I think it's better to acknowledge that and deal with it then suppress it. Anyway, the first part of my crisis with Christianity (in summary) is that I can't seem to meet with God. Period. So basically, I have no emotional/spiritual aspect to my faith. Maybe tomorrow I'll give you part 2.

December 10

2003-12-29T22:21:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 11:44 and I have a New Testament exam in the mourning which I'm really not prepared for. I worked the late shift at my Impact placement and I got to talk for a couple hours with my boss. Now I'm thoroughly hosed, and I'm trying to decide if I can claim righteousness here or not. Ya, I was talking about important stuff, but I had a lot of time today to study in, and I was sort of procrastinating. Anyway, my frustration with God continues. I don't know about the whole baptism of the Holy Spirit thing. I'm no closer to deciding if I believe in it or not than I was in October. And that's frustrating. God, show me the truth. Seriously now. I'm tired of playing games. Let's DO THIS. God please. You know me better than I do. Am I not ready? Perhaps not - then MAKE me ready. I'm tired of being a half-assed Christian, God! Let's do this. Let's go. Please, please God, I beg you in the name of Jesus: help me. Don't let another day, another moment go by with me wavering like this. Jesus intercede for me. Spirit groan for me. Father revolutionize me. Conform me absolutely and unreservedly to your will. I beg you to take me, whatever that means, now.

December 12

2003-12-28T22:38:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I did pretty good on my NT exam and I got to do a course evaluation, in which I went off on another big rant about how Carmel could be so much better (to match the rant I wrote for Christian Life class). I'll think I'll give you "part 2" quickly. You'll recall that part 1 of my spiritual crisis was a frustration with my lack of relationship with God. Part 2 is a challenge of my beliefs about the Bible. A while ago I researched an apparent discrepancy in the Gospels, where Jesus casts the demons into the heard of pigs. Matthew reports two demon possessed men, while Mark and Luke have one. I couldn't reconcile the two accounts, therefore I currently believe it to be a plain factual error in the Bible. This raises all kinds of questions for me about the infallibility and inspiration of the Bible (though some people don't seem to be bothered by it), and it should be totally destructive to my Christianity, and particularly to my interaction with scripture. And yet (and here's the weird thing) I'm not really that bugged about it. The facts that I've tried so hard to meet with God and he just hasn't showed up (this is where part 1 comes back into the picture) coupled with my apparent rejection of the infallibility of scripture should be totally crippling my Christian faith. It's a twofold attack on my mind and my heart, powerfully challenging the fundamental reasons for my faith. And yet I don't really feel challenged. Despite God's utter absence from my sensory perception, I have no real doubt of his existence or goodness, and what I claim is a heavy blow against my trust in the Bible has really not shaken the way I study it or the way that (deep down) I still believe it. If these two behemoths cannot shake my faith, what will? All this reinforces my suspicion that I am, today and forever, irrevocably, irreversibly, incontrovertibly and fundamentally a Christian. I couldn't leave if I tried, and save by some cataclysmic revelation, I could never disbelieve this stuff. I'm sure that any psychologist could come up with an easy explanation for this - perhaps all my desperate longing has brainwashed me into a hopeless state of irrational faith. Or perhaps a good God is holding on to me, and he's not going to let go. In either case, the point is that I have arrived. I am a Christian in my core. I am a reckless, foolish, hopeless Jesus Freak, and I can't get out, so the only way to go is farther up and farther in. Oh God - God of my innermost soul, God of my heart and of my mind, God inescapable and unfathomable, God transcendent and God all-present, God just around the corner, and God in my breath, God outside my perception, yet etched on my soul, great God, good God, my God, just take me, I'm yours.

The rant referred to at the beginning was one of several I dished out around this time, all of them quite vague and unsubstantial, born out of a general restlessness and dissatisfaction. I get that way sometimes. I've thought a fair bit since writing this entry about whether my conclusion (that I will always be a Christian) is true. Of course I can't answer that, but I think what I'm expressing here is largely just a feeling I had at the time that everything what falling apart and I wasn't worried. Since then there have been times when I have been worried, so this post may be an overstatement. And yet in another way I suspect I'll always be a Christian in some form or another simply because that's what I'm used to and what's easiest for me, so as long as I can do so while maintaining my intellectual honesty, I think I will always be a Christian. Oh, and the one man/two men thing is no longer a problem for me - my dear friend Lucy explained it to my satisfaction. If you're interested in the explanation you can contact either me or he.

December 15

2003-12-27T23:46:00.000-08:00

I spent most of today playing computer games. (I'm off for holidays now.) I hope I don't do that again. I had a realization today that's kind of exciting, and kind of scary. I've been saying that I'm fed up with being a lukewarm Christian, and that I want to be totally committed at soul-level and have that reflect in everything I do. I've talked to different people (teachers mostly) and told them that I want to be pushed and challenged to be the best I can be. Today it struck me that there are two people who I'm afraid to say that to, but I need to. I'm afraid to tell them because they know me better than anyone else (it's easy to open yourself up to rebuke from someone who never sees the things in you that need rebuking) and they see my ugly side more than anyone else. I'm afraid because challenging me is their job, and I generally don't like it. I'm afraid because I don't know if I could even convince them that this is what I want, because they don't see me as the perfect, passionate man I am at school. (At least, that's the way I try to appear at school: perfect, passionate, and a man. No, maybe I'm too hard on myself. But I digress.) I'm afraid because they could abuse that authority to make me do something I really don't want to do. (Like get my driver's license.) These people, of course, are my parents. Now, I try to obey them more (though sometimes I forget that I'm trying) and I try to talk to them more (why don't I?) but this is totally on a different level. I don't think I could really say that to them right now and mean it, so I won't, but it will be said, soon. Oh God, thank you for showing me what I need to do. Now I pray that you would give me the strength to do it and help me swallow my pride and overcome my selfish laziness. Help me become the man you created me to be. Live through me Lord. Jesus make it so.

I never did ask my parents to challenge me, at least, not in so many words. I'm not sure why this seemed like such a revelation then and doesn't interest me now. Maybe because they already let me know when they think I'm out of line. Maybe I've gotten better at obeying them since I first wrote this. Or maybe I've decided that they don't really know me all that well. I suppose I've come to believe that the one person who knows me well enough to really challenge me is myself. (I'm not perfect for the job, but I'm more qualified than anyone else I know.) That being said, if you ever think I need a kick in the butt, I'd welcome your input.

December 19

2003-12-26T01:15:00.000-08:00

Well, it's actually past midnight, so it's my Birthday, and I'm 18. Whoop-de-doo. But that doesn't matter to me right now. I'll just get to the point. I read an e-mail from a high school friend the other day and it's ringing in my ears. She's working at an AIDS hospital in Africa, eating porridge mostly, risking death, living with a hopeless, tragic situation. I hate that she's there but I'm here. I hate being so far inside my comfort zone. I hate to think that there's so, so much, or even that there's anything at all that I could possibly be doing that would push me more; that would draw me closer to God or help me serve him more. God Almighty, push me. I'm not content to sit here. I cannot tolerate anything less than total submission to you. God bring me to that point. Push me, push me and give me the passion to accept it and to crave more. I ask for challenges and hardships - not because I know I can deal with them, but because I know I can't. Bring me to that place where I am totally overwhelmed, totally worthless in my own strength, and either save me or let me fail. Either is acceptable, and far preferable to this rancid half-heartedness. God, God, my creator and knower, I hunger for your total lordship. Hold nothing back that would quicken or magnify the destruction of my flesh or the unqualified slavery of myself to you. I pray with all the earnesty I possess, and I pray in Jesus' name, Amen.

December 22

2003-12-25T01:26:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really mellow, or maybe melancholy. I really wish I was, say, working at an AIDS hospital in Africa right now. Or maybe in the slums of Calcutta. Not that I know anything about Calcutta - it's just a buzzword, a name of vague evil - but I just wish I wasn't lying in this friggen warm bed right now just waiting for Christmas. I've said before (though maybe not in my Journal) that I could never be a missionary because I'm so into security and the status quo. I've said before that I couldn't do it; I couldn't survive in my own strength, so I'd need a very obvious call from God to go. I've said before that God would have to catch me, or I'd be ruined. I'd go crazy or die or go 1984: just turn into a cold, ruthless animal hell-bent on survival. Well, maybe that's all true, but I'm starting to really want to go somewhere. To be maybe in the interior of China with no money, no passport or visa, no contacts or safetynets, no food, nothing, literally nothing but the clothes on my back and Almighty God. And maybe he'd catch me. Or maybe he'd let me die. Just a single, nameless, lunatic boy, all alone in his despair, rotting into the dirt. But maybe I'd be ok with that. Maybe I'd prefer even misery and death to this beautiful safe life I have now. Or maybe I'd be willing to risk it for the chance that God would catch me, and I'd do things beyond imagination. Or maybe I'm just full of shit, and I get kicks from writing scary stuff when I know I'll never, ever leave this safe little life that I have. God, have your way in me. I don't know if I really mean that, but even if I don't, have your way anyway.

December 23

2003-12-24T01:36:00.000-08:00

"Just a single, nameless, lunatic boy, all alone in his despair, rotting into the dirt... maybe I'd be ok with that." Who writes this stuff? Have I become so secure with a sleeping-giant God that I'd boldly whisper such taunts and teasings in his ear? Do I really think that if there were even the smallest chance that I might be held accountable to such statements, that I would still make them? Wretch! God is not a beast who can be goaded into obedience. He will not be taken in by your self-righteous demands or your emotionalistic manipulation. He is not fooled by your boasting or snivelling or your smooth, passionate words. Even know you're absorbed with your own perceived eloquence. Even now you try on emotions like shirts, looking for the one that will trigger a response from your slot-machine God.

...Well. Now I've thought myself into a corner. I've sneered at all my best attempts at passion and honesty. I've accused myself of incessantly attempting to manipulate God with charades of submissiveness. What can I say after that? Brother Lawrence said "there needed neither art nor science for going to God, but only a heart resolutely determined to apply itself to nothing but Him, or for His sake, and to love Him only." Ok, I thought that's what I was doing. So am I totally mistaken about my own motivation, or is Brother Lawrence just a crackpot? Oh God, it would be so much easier if you'd just show me what's going on. Even if that means yelling at me. I'm just shooting in the dark, God. And I'm feeling frustrated. Maybe that's all part of your plan God, and that's cool, but otherwise, I'd really appreciate a hand.

My struggle to form some kind of workable knowledge of my own true thoughts and feelings (if such things exist) is by no means over. I still feel like I don't have a clue if what I'm saying is true a large percentage of the time. I get less frustrated about it these days - I just give it my best guess and run with it - but I really, really wish I could know when I'm bullshitting Jesus. Out of curiosity, am I the only one who feels like I don't know who I really am?

December 24

2003-12-23T01:51:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve, eh? Hm. That's nice. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about my motivations today. I think that however imperfect my methods or even however selfish and manipulative my strategies, I am ultimately (generally) motivated by a deep-down, earnest desire to know and honor God. Not that this is something to be applauded - it is not my doing - but it is very real, and it is more and more shaping the way I think and live. I've come to realize that this passion is truly and increasingly the greatest motivation for anything I do - stronger even than my laziness or my lust or my desire for men's praise. It is an obsession; a craving. It is a desperate hunger that gnaws at my soul. Of any longing I have yet experienced, this is the most difficult to satisfy, and requires the greatest diligence to sustain. And yet I just recently realized that I truly want this passion. I strain and struggle to increase it, and it is my greatest fear that it may some day subside. Oh God, I cry out to you this one request: do not let this longing slip away! Spirit, groan for me. Words fail me, but I cry out to you Father, from my soul: Lord, do not let this longing slip away! Rather increase it. Fill me with this one obsession, that it may flush out all my sinful or worldly desires. Let me become, if it pleases you, no more than a humble, longing soul, weeping and groaning to know you and do your will. And Lord, in what passion you have already allotted me, I would wish for these longings to be fulfilled. I humbly and earnestly ask that you would reveal yourself to me and replace my will with your own. But more so I submit to your great wisdom. I accept your perfect timing and I ask that you grant me the patience and faith to wait on your perfect will. God, you are so great. My lips fail, but my spirit worships you. I exalt thee, I exalt thee, oh Lord.

I spent many months praying that God would increase my longing to know him and do his will, believing that this was the best thing I could desire. And then I spent many months beating that longing out of myself, because it was ruining me. I can't help smiling at the irony: I prayed that God would increase this longing (but also that he would not leave it wholly unsatisfied - he always seemed to miss that part) and if ever I've had a prayer answered, this was the one. And then for a long time afterwards I was sure this was the worst thing that had ever happened to me. Be careful what you pray for; God has very selective hearing.

December 31

2003-12-22T02:47:00.000-08:00

I have a confession to make: I have neglected my journaling for the past week - a week that contained so many huge, journal-worthy things. Somehow I got wrapped up in completing the mandatory 12 installments per month, and now I've missed recording a lot of incredible stuff. Fool. Anyhow, I'm at winter camp and it's been awesome. Mostly I've sat around and read my Bible and talked to people. Hm, what should I summarize? I had another super talk with a friend from Bible study, this time about how it's my responsibility to challenge myself - I can't blame spiritual inertia on my surroundings. I also heard another guy's complete life story, which is really unbelievable. This guy challenged me to keep seeking a relationship with God. I'd sort of come to a point where I was like, "Maybe someday, if God decides to give it to me", but I'd run out of faith that it would happen. He encouraged me that it's possible, and it's worth seeking. And I've talked with all kinds of other people about a bunch of topics, like our misguided, mis-motivated "worship". I've also been challenged and invigorated by the man who's speaking. He's very passionate, seems to have a very close relationship with God, and has a real vision for the camp. The biggest thing maybe is that I made a kind of a pact with a guy that we would each spend an hour a day doing devotions. So that should be really interesting. Dang, I'm writing in a big room full of people and it's hard to concentrate, so I'm gonna quit and hopefully pick up on this at some later date.

November 1

2003-11-30T22:23:00.000-08:00

I'm home from Vancouver now. We drove all Friday night, so I got to have some good talks with people. I talked to one guy about the Pentecostal thing (he grew up in it and believes in it) and heard a girl's life story. I should tell you about this detox center we visited on Friday. They had a "deliverance" session, where they cast off curses and demonic influences and so forth. It was kind of weird. Anyway, I also talked through my method of interpreting Biblical commands with a friend, and I think we may have resolved the gay problem. I'll have to think it through some more. I also had a great talk with another girl about prayer and God's will, which was really insightful. She helped me with the idea of just listening to God, and challenged me to take time to do that. She said it's important not to just fit God into our schedules, but give him priority and be willing to sacrifice anything else to communicate with him.

My idea for interpreting Biblical commands was basically that there are underlying principles which do not change (eg. love your neighbor) but that those principles are manifest in different ways according to our culture, etc. Thus it is neither necessary nor profitable to mimic every specific practice in the Bible (eg. women not speaking in church) as long as we maintain the principles behind those practices in a meaningful and relevant way. I believe the "gay problem" was something along the lines of this method of interpretation seeming to mean that practices such as homosexuality that were condemned in the Bible and which I still (at that time) wanted to condemn would then be condoned, as long as the underlying principles of those commands (whatever they are) were upheld. I have no idea what our solution to this "problem" was. And I've never succeeded in listening to God, my best intentions notwithstanding.

November 10

2003-11-29T22:42:00.000-08:00

I just re-read all my previous Journal entries, which was a very beneficial experience. Man, I sound like someone who's really seeking God back there! I pray that that passion will not go away. I also realized I've been putting off fasting for a long time. Maybe I'll give it a shot tomorrow. Maybe. As I look back I'm also really frustrated by my inability to pray as much as I should (or really any amount at all). I know I can't guilt myself into a more meaningful (more existent) prayer life, but I'm sick of this wall in my life. When I try to pray my mind wanders, and I never really know what to say. I think maybe tomorrow I'll fire off a bunch of emails to people who might be able to help me. We'll see if that sounds like a good idea in the mourning. Lord Jesus help me.

November 11

2003-11-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

Well, I didn't. Somehow sending out a bunch of e-mails just seemed dumb. It's hard for me to explain now that it's evening again, but I just couldn't bring myself to send out pseudo-passionate e-mails to people I see every day anyway. Today I did not fast, nor did I pray. I don't know why, it just didn't seem right. It would be awkward to fast while I'm home for the day, because everyone would notice and there would be a lot of questions to answer. Anyway, we had my Aunt and cousin over for supper, so that would have been really weird. I did spend much of the day looking at predestination stuff on the internet. I started with an atheistic view/attack on Romans 9, followed by John Calvin's take on it, and then an in-depth Christian refute of Calvinism with I only just started. The whole thing was beginning to make my head spin, so I cut it short for now. What I'm beginning to realize is that Calvinist predestination is incompatible with what I know of God from the rest of scripture. I'm not sure where that leaves me, except with the need for a lot more study. Lord be with me. Show me the truth.

Romans 9 is my all-time least favorite passage in the Bible, and it's something that I struggled with a lot that year. I still think predestination is an undeniable Biblical concept, and I still think that's incompatible with much of the rest of scripture. (Of course this was more problematic for me when I believed that the Bible was without error.)

November 12

2003-11-27T22:59:00.000-08:00

Today I had a lot of talks with people. I got to go to a Bible study a friend recommended to me, and I got to talk for some time with the guy who drove me home, and I was encouraged to get out of my little emotional pity-party and focus on God and others. I wish I had recorded my feelings at about 6:00 this afternoon, because I think I sort of hit bottom. I was delivering flyers, and I had sort of worked myself into this state of blind passion where I was just longing to feel intense pain and suffering, and really dwelling on it and working it out in intense eloquent descriptions. (Whenever I do something like this a part of me is just saying "You wretch. You think it's cool to say this stuff? You think you know yourself better than God? You think you're really that good (or bad), and that you can really be that honest? You're all talk - you just like the way it sounds, but it means nothing.") Anyway, maybe I'm over a hump here. Jesus be with me. The fast is definitely tomorrow. I do have a couple of tests tomorrow, which I'll probably not study much for, but we'll see how it goes. I think this may actually be a case of school coming between me and God, but I want to be really careful with that. Lord help me.

I think I was more angry and depressed and more focused on my non-relationship with God in this period than comes through in this journal. My struggle to know when I'm being "honest" or "real" is a major theme of my life, even to this day, as you can see. I've never really figured that one out.

November 13

2003-11-26T23:09:00.000-08:00

Well, today I fasted. I don't know how well it "worked". I may have learned some things, largely about the subtleties of my own motivations, but I don't really feel like I've grown closer to God. In a word I feel frustrated. I'm frustrated because I feel like God is holding me at arms-length - not letting me fall, but not embracing me. (In my frustration I brought up the question of God's existence, for the first time in a long time. But I didn't get far with that. I know God's there. I can't escape it. But that only compounds my frustration when I feel like he's keeping his distance from me.) I'm frustrated because I believe that God created me primarily to have an intimate relationship with him (don't miss the "wow!"), and if that's truly my desire as well, why doesn't it happen? If God wants something and is striving for it and I'm wanting and striving for the same thing, shouldn't it come to pass? I'm also frustrated with myself, because I know that no matter how hard I try and how subtly I scrutinize myself, I will never have totally pure motives. (I'm also frustrated by my own tendency to over-scrutinize myself.) I'm frustrated because I feel like I should just suck it up and focus on others, but I think I honestly believe that this is important stuff, and I need to resolve it. (I'm also sick of thinking about how maybe service and others-focusedness is maybe the key to knowing God better, and I'm sick of trying to determine if it's true, and what my negative reaction to it means.) I'm really, really frustrated with my own inability to focus on God, specifically being able to pray sincerely and continually, and especially my total failure to practice or even understand being silent before God and listening for his voice. I'm totally lost on that one, and I think it's key. Ultimately I'm frustrated because deep down I suspect that my distance from God (like in most cases) is my own fault, not his, and I'm just tired of not knowing what I'm doing wrong, or what God's getting at, or which of my assumptions are wrong, or whether my attitude is off or maybe my methods, or what it all means. God, God, are you really there? Do you really care? Don't you love me? And especially always why am I saying this, and do I just like the way it sounds or is it really my heart's desire. Oh sweet Jesus, my lover, my savior, won't you rescue me from my own confusion and chronic insincerity! Lord, Lord, help me to change, or change me until you can help me or even leave me if that's your will, just tell me if you can, or just love me, love me, love me, dear God. Amen.

November 15

2003-11-25T23:24:00.000-08:00

I ended my fast at supper on Friday. I decided that I wasn't "getting anywhere" with it. I suspect that it's not my motivation or my methods that were to blame. After all, it would be impossible for me to ever have totally pure motivation for anything, so in that sense I could never be "good enough" to have a relationship with God. The same is true for my methods - while I readily admit that I'm a very poor prayer and an even worse listener, I could never be really good enough for God. The best I can ever do is try, and focus on improving, with God's help. Anyway, I'm now left feeling that somehow it was not God's will to "reveal himself" (in a relational, not a fantastical way) at this time or in this way. And who am I to argue with God? All I can do is continue to seek, and focus on becoming more in tune with his will, and particularly just focus on others. This was the advice I was getting from people all along, but I had to see if there was a "better" way. Apparently not. Ok, I can live with that. I just felt like I was doing all the things I'm supposed to, ever since maybe summer time (too soon?), but I don't seem to be really, tangibly experiencing a relationship with God. But ok, I'll keep plugging away, only it's hard not to be either impatient or complacent about growing closer to God (by which I mean knowing him and hearing his "voice"). God help me never to be impatient or complacent, but let me always be striving, yet always trusting your timing. But do let me know you, God. In your way and in your time, reveal yourself to me. Lord I thank you and I pray in the name of Jesus, Amen.

November 18

2003-11-24T23:34:00.000-08:00

Well, what can I tell you? Life in the outside world goes on, much as it has this past age, full of it's own comings and goings - scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits, for which I am very thankful. Anyway, I've had a bunch of talks since my fast ended, and I think I'm getting "better", if happiness is what matters. I was telling a teacher my whole thought process, and he said "It looks like you've been learning a lot", and I was like "Wow, ya, that's right". I guess I didn't come out with the results I'd hoped for, but I did learn some stuff. I had a thought just yesterday: I long to be close to God, and it hurts me to feel distant from him, but how much more must it hurt God not to be able to embrace me. To some extent, that's just his choice not to whisk me away to heaven, but he also seems to be consciously distancing himself (tangibly) from me now, and he must have a really good purpose for that. Maybe it's just to teach me stuff.

This is very difficult for me to say, but looking back I think I can see some of the reasons why God didn't reveal himself to me the way I wanted (want) him to, though of course at the time I never could have imagined them. I still think it would be better for God to be close to me, but I can see some benefits of doing things this way too. I'm certainly a very different person now than I would have been if God had given me my wish 18 months ago. I don't know if I'm a better person, but I'm getting by.

November 20

2003-11-23T23:46:00.000-08:00

Who am I to seek your counsel or desire your knowledge? I humble myself, for I am a man. I will question you, and perhaps you will answer me.

Who am I, and why did you create me? Why do you love me, and why did you die for my sins? Why do I feel so far from you? Is it my fault? Is it my sin or my guilt? My business or my pride or my faithlessness? Is it because of my imperfect motives or my pathetic prayers that you refuse me? Do I seek what I should not seek, or do I ask too little? Am I too impatient, or too complacent? If you told me what I must do, would I not do it? If you gave me one word - even a word of great sorrow - would I not cling to it and treasure it, forsaking all else for your sake? Am I not willing to carry that cross or drink that cup, or am I not ready? Will you make me willing? Will you answer my prayers?

Do you know me? Did you knit me together in my mother's womb? Have you numbered my hairs? Do you know my cares? Have you probed the very depths of my soul? Have you seen behind my masks? Do you know all of my weakness and shame? Do you understand my motives? Do you know my love and my self-love? Do you know my earnesty and my flippancy? Do you know my passion and my hypocrisy? Do you know who I am, and what I could become? Do you know me?

Do you love me? Did you die for my sins? Did you endure such an abomination for my sake? Did you face the whippings and the spittings, the hate and the pain, the nakedness and the shame and the agony of death for me? Were you separated from your father, and did you endure such things as I cannot imagine just for the hope of relationship with me? Do you love me in my weakness? Do you weep when I din? Do you rejoice in my hopings and trustings? Do you long for me? Do you ache for my fellowship? Do you love me?

Will you free me? Will you break these chains? Will you tear away these dragon-scales I've grown? Will you burn me with your fire? Will you sear away my sinfulness? Will you rip and crush, scrape, break and remake? Will you smite this festering, cancerous godlessness that infests my soul? Will you be zealous? Will you be tender, but unrelenting? Will you not be satisfied with my imperfection? Will you transform me? Will you restore my mauled and disfigured soul at whatever cost, by whatever means? Will you make my one desire the seeking of your glory? Do you see amid the greed and grief of my soul the beginnings of that desire? Will you free me?

Will you start today?

This post is based loosely on Job 38-39, in which God responds to Job's complaints with a series of rhetorical questions about himself, with the answer to each being no. Finding myself in a similar situation (qualitatively, not quantitatively) to Job, I had the idea of writing a response in a similar style, using (primarily) rhetorical questions about God, with the response to each being yes. I really like this post.

November 24

2003-11-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I'm beginning to feel like simply wanting to fallow God is not enough. It's interesting because this year for the first time in my life I feel like I really, truly want to honor God more than anything else, and I'm prepared to do anything for him. But somehow it's not enough. God seems silent, or distant, and I don't feel like I'm really being stretched to do all that I can do. Is there a formula that I missed? I don't think so. Then what? Am I just being impatient? Maybe, but is it wrong to crave holiness? How many times have I said "God, I'm ready. Do your will in me" and meant it (as much as I can mean anything) and heard nothing? Maybe that means I'm right where God wants me to be, doing just what I should be doing, but it doesn't seem like it. Lord God, my master, my heartbeat, command me! You have authority over me. If I am not ready then make me ready, but if I am ready then use me. Your will be done Lord. Jesus, sweet Jesus, make it so!

November 26

2003-11-21T00:15:00.000-08:00

Oh God, I'm getting fed up. I've been around this bush so long I can't even make a coherent metaphor for it. Anyway God, I'm just tired of analyzing and questioning and searching and guessing and crying out and longing and praying and hoping and despairing and I think maybe I'm done. Done what, I don't know. But maybe I'm moving on. Do you know how hard it is to seek and not find? (Am I allowed to say that? Am I going to far?) I'm just frustrated, God! Jesus Christ, what do you want from me? Lord God! Aaa! What can I say? What is there left to feel or to pray? Where haven't I been on this issue? God? God! Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me! My sight, Lord; I want my sight! Lord! What can I say?

Talked to a guy again today. It was good. His answer is to do what God is telling you (Bible) right here and now. He's right, I know. Lord Jesus, help me! Help me!

That second sentence is one of my favorites. I got halfway through it and realized I didn't have a clue what I was intending to say or why I was talking about a bush. I must have spent five minutes staring at it trying to figure out a way to salvage it. You can see my classic cycle between hope and frustration in these past three entries. I don't know how many times I went through this over the next year or so. I'm glad that's over.

October 1

2003-10-30T00:26:00.000-08:00

Here I am, just drifting.

Not coming, not going. Not seeking, not straying. Not loving, not hating. Not running, not sitting. Not moving, just drifting.

Not down, not up. Not dry, not flowing. Not sobbing, not singing. Not dying, not living. Not fighting, just drifting.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty drifty lately. Pretty luke-warm. God, sear away my luke-warmness! How I wish I was either hot or cold! Lord, challenge me. Strengthen me or weaken me. Brace me or break me. Kindle me or drown me. Lord, change and refine me, but do not vomit me out of your mouth.

October 4

2003-10-29T00:30:00.000-08:00

Lord, I am your child, and I am your servant. I submit to your guidance. I have accepted your forgiveness, and now I accept your plan. I accept that you know what's best for me. I accept that your ways are not my ways, or your thoughts my thoughts. I accept that all things work together for good. I accept that for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sorrow or for rejoicing (or for boring), you have all-encompassing lordship over my life. Lord, forgive my impatience and my unbelief. I rededicate my life to you, and I commit to seeking a higher acceptance of your lordship. Lord, teach me to love you as you love me. I'm yours.

October 7

2003-10-28T00:34:00.000-08:00

Oh God. God, show me the truth.

I had a great talk with the co-ordinator of my Impact ministry. She's an ex-Satanist Messianic Jew/Pentecostal, and she shared the story of her "Baptism in the Spirit". We talked for a long time, and I told her honestly what I've been brought up to believe. And we talked. I explained to her that I don't care about being liberal or conservative or Brethren or Pentecostal or any of these things. All I want is the truth. (Jesus make it so.) God, thank you for this woman. Thank you that once again you've brought someone into my life who will challenge my preconceptions. Lord God, my heart's desire and prayer is for truth. I crave it. I long for it. Lord, reveal your truth to me, whatever it may be. In the name of Jesus, amen.

So it begins. I'd never thought to desire the presence of God (baptism of the Spirit, whatever) before, because no one had told me this kind of thing was possible. Suddenly I realized that all the songs and Bible verses that talk about interaction with God didn't have to be taken metaphorically, and I had to figure out if all this stuff was true. To a large extent my recent life has revolved around my longing for interaction with God, and I suppose this day was the beginning of that.

October 9

2003-10-27T00:44:00.000-08:00

I prayed that God would bless me or curse me. [Oct 1] Either one was ok. God chose to bless me. Which was surprising, because I figured God would be like "Oh wow, finally someone who's willing to experience hardships! I'm gonna really give it to him." But it didn't turn out like that, in fact, just the opposite. Weird. Anyway, I'm feeling really "high" right now. And not just because I'm very conscious of God's blessing, but I feel like I'm really able to devote myself to God right now. I wrote a paper last night about the Sermon on the Mound, and it occurred to me that I should pray before I started - not that I'd write a good paper or get a good mark, but that I'd really learn something through the assignment and that it would really impact my life. And I think God really answered that prayer. I've found myself with a totally greater awe of God - his holiness (stop and think about that word "Holy". Think until it sends a shiver down your spine. Think until it changes your life), his power, his majesty and grace. I've found myself stopping several times today in simple wonder and reverence of God. The second effect is related: I think I'm starting to really hunger and thirst for righteousness. It's incredible. I'm yearning for a closer relationship with God; striving for a purer servanthood. Oh God, great and holy, magnificent and exalted over all the earth, do not let me cease to hunger ant thirst for your righteousness, but rather increase my longings, even as you fill me, that I may be ever growing in the knowledge and service of you, my sovereign king, my exalted Lord, the Most High God. Jesus make it so.

I've forgotten what the blessing referred to at the beginning of this post was. Nothing spectacular, I think. I might have just been feeling good that day. The word "holy" was amazing to me at the time. I guess I'd never thought about it before, and it suddenly filled me with awe.

October 11

2003-10-26T00:57:00.000-07:00

I had a good talk with a friend last night. We basically went through everything that I've been thinking about lately, so most of the stuff in this journal. It was good to get it off my chest, just share how I'm feeling with someone. We kept coming back to the idea of the spiritual/emotional verses the mental aspects of Christianity. Generally, I don't feel that intimate, touchy-feely relationship with God that some people claim. And even when I do slide into something emotional, I'm always second-guessing myself and questioning whether I'm having an authentic "God moment" or just a contrived burst of emotionalism to satisfy my self-indulgent cravings. (My friend totally agreed with me on most of this stuff, so we got to do some good commiserating.) One of the things that occurred to me while we were talking is that it's one thing to say "Ok, I'm not feeling very supernatural at this point in my life, but I'll pray, and I'll get over it", but it's something entirely different to say "You know, maybe this is the way it'll always be for me. Maybe intellectualism is all I'll ever have, and I'll never on this earth feel truly intimate with God." Maybe that's the way it is. And that terrifies me. On one level, if God requires that kind of devotion from me, I think I'm willing to just do it. But I desperately want something more. I'm thinking about fasting - maybe that will help me sort things out. I'll probably bring that up again in a later entry.

October 14

2003-10-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well, here I am. Not Here, not just somewhere, but definitely, just exactly right here. I've been thinking a lot about fasting. I want to do it. The problem is, it would be hard to keep quiet. Most of my social interaction centers around meals, so it would be obvious pretty quick to almost everyone in the world that I was fasting. And that's not really the point. Maybe it's okay, but I really want to avoid looking good to other people, or more specifically, feeling like I look good. And yet I want to fast. Soon. I'd like to talk to a couple more people (I've talked to several already) and get their opinions. We'll see.

As I recall, the idea of fasting intrigued me because it seemed like it might help me interact with God.

October 15

2003-10-24T22:05:00.000-07:00

Oh please, please don't idolize me. Don't put me on a pedestal. Don't say my name with reverence. Don't imitate me. There's nothing about Jacob that is worthy of honor or respect. If you only knew what I am you would never again speak highly of me. I am wretched. I am filth. If there is any shred of decency or purity in me, it is wholly by the grace of God. I am a sinner, yet saved by grace. Loved of God. Bloodbought. If there is anything honorable about me it is that I seek God's will and God's truth. But even this is from God. So do not praise me for my goodness - that is idolatry. But praise my Lord and savior, who through his unfathomable love and patience would redeem and refine and restore even such a wretch as me. Give God your praise; I seek it not. Jesus make it so.

This speech was directed to myself. I struggle with pride sometimes, and I have to remind myself that I'm really not all that. Unfortunately, in an effort to avoid pride I tend to become scornful or hateful of myself. In the past (and even now, I think) I tend to speak lowly of myself because that's what we call humility.

October 16

2003-10-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

I'm 2 days into a 3 day evangelism seminar at Bible School. It's really good - not a lot of stuff I didn't know, but it's good to hear and good to be challenged. In the afternoons we've been sent out to universities to do spiritual surveys and hopefully strike up conversations with people. It's been an excellent experience. I have been surprised by how open most people are to talking about spiritual things. A lot of people seem almost eager to share their opinions, and many are equally eager to hear mine. I've had about 3 really good talks so far (by my count). Today I got to just lay down the gospel according to Jacob to this one guy. It was really exciting. It can be a little discouraging to open doors like that with people and then be like "Thanks, bye" and disappear from their life forever. I just remind myself that the Spirit is at work in their lives, and I'm just one part of that. What happens to them later - whether they become Christians or not - is between them and God. I just praise God for the privilege of being a part of that process. It's incredible. By the way, the fast is coming up, I'm fairly sure. I'm hoping to talk to a teacher tomorrow, and then I think I'm ready to just do it.

This evangelism thing was a significant point in my life. I'd always supposed that non-Christians were either unwilling to talk about spiritual things or had some secret, selfish motives for rejecting Christianity. It was unsettling to talk to people who seemed to be sincerely seeking God and yet didn't seem to be headed towards Christianity. They also raised some questions in my mind that I couldn't easily shrug off.

October 19

2003-10-22T22:26:00.000-07:00

What should I write? I spoke in the communion service this morning for the first time. I talked about my 1984 experience. I think it was good. Lots of people thanked me for sharing, and I think they were sincere. I'm feeling kind of restless these days. I've been thinking through a zillion things and I feel like I'm growing so fast. I wish I could stay at Bible School forever; it's just perfect. My feeling are all so paradoxical. I feel so alive sometimes, but so empty sometimes. I'm starting to really want to serve God more than anything else, but it can be frustrating, because sometimes I feel so far from him. But I'm excited, because God is definitely at work in my life, and I feel like I'm building up to something. I don't know what it is, but it's coming, and I'm pumped. Lord, keep my focus on you. Never let me turn away. Fill me, but keep me thirsty. Jesus make it so.

"Fill me, but keep me thirsty" (or something along those lines) was a common prayer for me at this time. God always seemed to be better at answering the second part than the first.

October 20

2003-10-21T22:34:00.000-07:00

I finally got to talk to my teacher today. It's good to talk to people. I think I've got most of the opinions I need about relationship with God. What I need now is research and prayer and fasting and divine revelation. I don't know when I'll do my fast. I was thinking about waiting until after Vancouver [we went on a week-long missions trip to inner-city Vancouver], but I thought there would be nothing wrong with doing a mini-fast before I go. The staff are kicking Vancouver prep into high gear. We watched Through a Blue Lens (a documentary about drugs filmed in Vacouver), which I've already seen twice. Apparently some people were pretty freaked out about it. I tend to err on the side of recklessness, so I don't really relate to that. I just pray that God will keep us exactly as safe as we need to be. I pray that this would be an eye opener (even for me) and that we (I) would be stretched and would really grow a lot on this trip.

October 28

2003-10-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

Well, here we are in Vancouver. We actually arrived on Friday, but I haven't made time to write until now. It's been pretty good for me so far. I love to come back to Vancouver and see Hastings Street, rotating signs and nice cars. (Those are the 3 things that say "Vancouver" to me.) I got to go to a little store-front mission I've been to before and see the lady who runs it again, so that was really cool. I missed out on my favorite Vancouver church [it's full of mentally handicapped people] because only half of us got to go, but I got to got to a similar church. That was cool. I've also done a good street walk and some other stuff. Emotionally I've been all over the place this week. I think I prayed for more emotion, and either through God's divine intervention or through my own subconscious actualization of my desires (aren't I awful?) I think I've experienced it. I've felt really restless and emotionally vulnerable, kind of like I want to fall in love or speak in tongues or anything big and emotional.

Didn't speak in tongues. Did fall in love. That's what the rest of the trip was about for me. We'll just skip to November.

September 20

2003-09-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

This, obviously, is the first entry in my "Personal Spiritual Journal". I thought maybe I should start with some profound insight into the psychology of Journaling, or maybe one of my philosophical theories, but I think maybe I'll just start with the spiritual stuff that happened in my life today-ish. I don't need to try to impress anyone with this, and it's probably most beneficial to me to reflect on spiritual matters, rather than intellectual ones. There, I just wasted half a page, and now it's time to get on with it. I was at a high-school friend's house today for the first time since school started. I was surprised to learn that his dad once studied theology for a year before switching to something else. He intended to become a minister, but for some reason changed his mind. He said they don't go to church anymore, though they tried it out again a couple years ago. "It didn't meet our needs." I wasn't sure whether to press him for more info (I didn't), but I told him about my new church and invited them to come, to which he gave some non-committal reply. I guess he's had some sort of disillusionment, either suddenly or gradually, which let him to leave his church. I'm kind of excited to sort of get a foot in the door with them spiritually, though I'm not sure how to proceed. I want to have a talk with him very much, but I don't know his feelings. I'll have to start praying for them hardcore. Anyway, I'm kind of done. I'm not sure how to end this, maybe just - The End

Looking back, the little story about my friend's father is a fitting way for my journal to have begun. In some respects it forshadows of my own gradual disillusionment during Bible School, which is a major theme of this journal. Almost like I planned that. There's a lot of opinions and ideas in this book that are embarrassing to me now, not the least of which is the evangelical zeal expressed here (which even by this point was beginning to ebb). I respect those who believe theirs is the only true belief and have a passion to share it with others, but I was never very comfortable in my own attemts to emulate them.

September 21

2003-09-28T22:50:00.000-07:00

Today was the third Sunday of the month, so I got to attend the monthly worship service at my church. I've been really discouraged recently in my "worship life" (if there is such a thing). I've been having trouble focusing on the songs, and I really wonder how much true worship I'm doing, and what is true worship? A friend once said that sometimes he thinks God's ok with us feeling all emotional about the songs, after all, he created our emotions, and maybe we shouldn't be so cynical about having a Pentecostal-style worship experience. I think he may be right, but at any rate, I'm definitely feeling neither emotional nor honest about my worship right now. A couple weeks ago I prayed not that God would give me a worship buzz, but that he would be honored by my worship. I don't know how well that "worked", but at any rate, I don't feel any more worshipful now. Of course, it's a mistake to think worship = singing. Really, singing is such a small part of how we worship God, and I think we may be mistaken to put so much emphasis on it. I don't know. I don't really care about how I worship or how I feel, I just want to be a sweet, sweet sound in God's ear. And I'm not sure if that's true of me now or not.

It was pointed out to me at a later date that what I called "Pentecostal" (as in "Pentecostal-style worship experience") I ought to call "Charismatic" (Pentecostals being a specific branch of Charismatic Christians). Obviously I didn't know what I was talking about.

September 22

2003-09-27T22:59:00.000-07:00

I met with my teacher today to work on my goals. [One of our first assignments was to create measurable goals for our growth that year.] I was encouraged by what we accomplished. She didn't pressure me into making stupid "number goals", but she did help me see how to make my goals measurable and specific. For my goal of improving my communication skills she suggested that I look at people who demonstrate the qualities I desire and think about how to emulate them. For prayer she suggested that I try to pray each day and think about what makes prayer "good". With initiative she said that I need to find a specific area in my life that I need it in and work on that. She's an interesting teacher. I need to think more about how her teaching me fits in with the whole women's roles issue. Her defense - and I've heard it many times before - is that she feels God has called her to do this. It seems that she has thought this issue through, and she said she would quit if she became convinced that she was in the wrong. I think that's good enough for me. I don't know what my conservative friends would say about all this, but it doesn't matter. Nor does the path of least resistance. I pray that God will give me wisdom and peace in this issue. I am working on a theory for interpretation of Biblical commands, but that's something for another day.

I've changed a lot of my views about the Bible since I was concerned about being taught by a woman at the beginning of last year. In my heart I've always felt that it's absurd not to allow women to teach men, but at this point in time my beliefs about the Bible caused me a lot of grief on this issue. I'd actually spent whole weeks of the previous summer wrestling with the issue of women's participation in church (at a conservative Bible camp). Some of the people I met at camp cautioned me about the hidden dangers of going to Bible school, and I'm sure that their worst fears would have been confirmed if they heard I had a female teacher.

September 24

2003-09-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm suddenly fully immersed in my new Impact program. [As part of Bible School we were each required to volunteer at outreaches of our choice.] On Tuesday I came home expecting to be going to see X-men with my friend and my Mom told by the Impact Coordinator had just phoned and the training for my ministry started that night. When I got there I realized the ladies who run it weren't expecting me (they'd already interviewed everyone else). I had the interview today, which was encouraging. The lady who'll be my boss is a Messianic Jew/Pentecostal with Anglican and Occult background. I look forward to some good conversations with her. The other interesting thing that happened today was when I got off the bus downtown an old drunk man sitting on a planter asked me if I had any money for busses or food. I said I had no money (true) but I could give him a bus ticket. He thanked me, shook my hand and tried to stand up, but he sort of slumped to the ground. He said it's alright, it happened all the time, so I was like "Ok, see ya," and walked off. When I came back an hour later an ambulance was just pulling away from that exact spot. The circumstantial evidence would seem to indicate that the guy never got up, and somebody called an ambulance. It was just kind of weird to meet this guy, shake his hand, and then think maybe he was taken to the hospital, sick or dead. Crazy.

September 25

2003-09-25T23:26:00.000-07:00

God consume me. God coarse through me. My flesh screams for you. My spirit writhes. I yearn for you from the muck. I cry out to you from my sin-soaked bog. What am I but a corpse? Wretched, wretched. I am desperately evil, desperately unholy, yet desperately I long for you. See how I have defaced your image. I have maimed your good work by my prostitution to evil. Surely I have grieved you more than I can know. Where you wiped my tears I spit in your face. Where you calmed my fears I mocked your grace. And yet you love me. Lord tear away my sinful desires. Burn me with your fire. Scorch from my soul this cancerous evil. Ruin my flesh and destroy it utterly. An if, Lord, you find amid the desolation any fiber that loves you, then rebuild it into a new creation - wholly righteous, wholly pure, only and always desiring your will. Reclaim me Lord. I am yours.

It terrifies me to write something like that. Certainly I do not want what this Psalm says. But I want to want it. The only thing to say is Jesus make it so.

Looking back on this entry I'm a little put off by it's self-abasing tone. I think most of it is just parroting the "God, I suck" theme of many of the Psalms. I'm not sure what I think now about Christians being so down on ourselves. I don't want to say I'm not that bad because it sounds like I'm saying I'm pretty good, which is also not true, and it's been firmly drilled into me that we're not up to God's standards, our righteousness is filthy rags, we deserve hell, etc. But this kind of almost self-loathing sits uneasily with me now. "Jesus make it so" became a common closing for my prayers. So often I'm unsure whether my prayers are sincere, so I ask God to make what I say true of me.

September 28

2003-09-24T23:42:00.000-07:00

I don't know. I feel like a man without a soul. I feel like I just go through the motions. I feel like I can do anything I have to do, but none of the things I should do. I'm just a bit tired of being smart and asking the right questions, but feeling dead inside. I said before that I'd be ok with not feeling like I'm worshiping as long as what I did was honoring to God. Well, maybe that's still true, but I feel like I'm not even honoring God. I don't know. Is it selfish to want to feel God's presence? No, that's absurd. But what should I do? The only thing I can think of is to stay devoted. Keep doing what I'm doing, and pray for a passion. But that sucks.

September 29

2003-09-23T23:48:00.000-07:00

Here's an interesting thing that happened today. A teacher asked us to stop for a moment to think and pray at the beginning of class. I was thinking about the song "In the Secret", and I wrote "I want to know you more" on my hand. I don't know why. Sometimes it's nice to write on myself. Boy, that sounds dumb. Anyhow, I looked at my hand later and the "you" had kind of faded, so it looked like "I want to know more". I thought "Wow, that's how I've been". It's so easy for me to get hung up on trivial knowledge and forget about God. Sometimes I just want to know stuff, not God. I'm not sure how I can focus on knowing God, but I'm gonna think about that some more. Anyway, this was really cool for me, because I think I might have found a way out of this cold-hearted rut I'm in. We'll see.