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September 25
God consume me. God coarse through me. My flesh screams for you. My spirit writhes. I yearn for you from the muck. I cry out to you from my sin-soaked bog. What am I but a corpse? Wretched, wretched. I am desperately evil, desperately unholy, yet desperately I long for you. See how I have defaced your image. I have maimed your good work by my prostitution to evil. Surely I have grieved you more than I can know. Where you wiped my tears I spit in your face. Where you calmed my fears I mocked your grace. And yet you love me. Lord tear away my sinful desires. Burn me with your fire. Scorch from my soul this cancerous evil. Ruin my flesh and destroy it utterly. An if, Lord, you find amid the desolation any fiber that loves you, then rebuild it into a new creation - wholly righteous, wholly pure, only and always desiring your will. Reclaim me Lord. I am yours.
It terrifies me to write something like that. Certainly I do not want what this Psalm says. But I want to want it. The only thing to say is Jesus make it so. Looking back on this entry I'm a little put off by it's self-abasing tone. I think most of it is just parroting the "God, I suck" theme of many of the Psalms. I'm not sure what I think now about Christians being so down on ourselves. I don't want to say I'm not that bad because it sounds like I'm saying I'm pretty good, which is also not true, and it's been firmly drilled into me that we're not up to God's standards, our righteousness is filthy rags, we deserve hell, etc. But this kind of almost self-loathing sits uneasily with me now. "Jesus make it so" became a common closing for my prayers. So often I'm unsure whether my prayers are sincere, so I ask God to make what I say true of me.
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Jacob
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