Here I am, just drifting.

Not coming, not going. Not seeking, not straying. Not loving, not hating. Not running, not sitting. Not moving, just drifting.

Not down, not up. Not dry, not flowing. Not sobbing, not singing. Not dying, not living. Not fighting, just drifting.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty drifty lately. Pretty luke-warm. God, sear away my luke-warmness! How I wish I was either hot or cold! Lord, challenge me. Strengthen me or weaken me. Brace me or break me. Kindle me or drown me. Lord, change and refine me, but do not vomit me out of your mouth.

Lord, I am your child, and I am your servant. I submit to your guidance. I have accepted your forgiveness, and now I accept your plan. I accept that you know what's best for me. I accept that your ways are not my ways, or your thoughts my thoughts. I accept that all things work together for good. I accept that for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, for sorrow or for rejoicing (or for boring), you have all-encompassing lordship over my life. Lord, forgive my impatience and my unbelief. I rededicate my life to you, and I commit to seeking a higher acceptance of your lordship. Lord, teach me to love you as you love me. I'm yours.

Oh God. God, show me the truth.

I had a great talk with the co-ordinator of my Impact ministry. She's an ex-Satanist Messianic Jew/Pentecostal, and she shared the story of her "Baptism in the Spirit". We talked for a long time, and I told her honestly what I've been brought up to believe. And we talked. I explained to her that I don't care about being liberal or conservative or Brethren or Pentecostal or any of these things. All I want is the truth. (Jesus make it so.) God, thank you for this woman. Thank you that once again you've brought someone into my life who will challenge my preconceptions. Lord God, my heart's desire and prayer is for truth. I crave it. I long for it. Lord, reveal your truth to me, whatever it may be. In the name of Jesus, amen.

So it begins. I'd never thought to desire the presence of God (baptism of the Spirit, whatever) before, because no one had told me this kind of thing was possible. Suddenly I realized that all the songs and Bible verses that talk about interaction with God didn't have to be taken metaphorically, and I had to figure out if all this stuff was true. To a large extent my recent life has revolved around my longing for interaction with God, and I suppose this day was the beginning of that.

I prayed that God would bless me or curse me. [Oct 1] Either one was ok. God chose to bless me. Which was surprising, because I figured God would be like "Oh wow, finally someone who's willing to experience hardships! I'm gonna really give it to him." But it didn't turn out like that, in fact, just the opposite. Weird. Anyway, I'm feeling really "high" right now. And not just because I'm very conscious of God's blessing, but I feel like I'm really able to devote myself to God right now. I wrote a paper last night about the Sermon on the Mound, and it occurred to me that I should pray before I started - not that I'd write a good paper or get a good mark, but that I'd really learn something through the assignment and that it would really impact my life. And I think God really answered that prayer. I've found myself with a totally greater awe of God - his holiness (stop and think about that word "Holy". Think until it sends a shiver down your spine. Think until it changes your life), his power, his majesty and grace. I've found myself stopping several times today in simple wonder and reverence of God. The second effect is related: I think I'm starting to really hunger and thirst for righteousness. It's incredible. I'm yearning for a closer relationship with God; striving for a purer servanthood. Oh God, great and holy, magnificent and exalted over all the earth, do not let me cease to hunger ant thirst for your righteousness, but rather increase my longings, even as you fill me, that I may be ever growing in the knowledge and service of you, my sovereign king, my exalted Lord, the Most High God. Jesus make it so.

I've forgotten what the blessing referred to at the beginning of this post was. Nothing spectacular, I think. I might have just been feeling good that day. The word "holy" was amazing to me at the time. I guess I'd never thought about it before, and it suddenly filled me with awe.

I had a good talk with a friend last night. We basically went through everything that I've been thinking about lately, so most of the stuff in this journal. It was good to get it off my chest, just share how I'm feeling with someone. We kept coming back to the idea of the spiritual/emotional verses the mental aspects of Christianity. Generally, I don't feel that intimate, touchy-feely relationship with God that some people claim. And even when I do slide into something emotional, I'm always second-guessing myself and questioning whether I'm having an authentic "God moment" or just a contrived burst of emotionalism to satisfy my self-indulgent cravings. (My friend totally agreed with me on most of this stuff, so we got to do some good commiserating.) One of the things that occurred to me while we were talking is that it's one thing to say "Ok, I'm not feeling very supernatural at this point in my life, but I'll pray, and I'll get over it", but it's something entirely different to say "You know, maybe this is the way it'll always be for me. Maybe intellectualism is all I'll ever have, and I'll never on this earth feel truly intimate with God." Maybe that's the way it is. And that terrifies me. On one level, if God requires that kind of devotion from me, I think I'm willing to just do it. But I desperately want something more. I'm thinking about fasting - maybe that will help me sort things out. I'll probably bring that up again in a later entry.

Well, here I am. Not Here, not just somewhere, but definitely, just exactly right here. I've been thinking a lot about fasting. I want to do it. The problem is, it would be hard to keep quiet. Most of my social interaction centers around meals, so it would be obvious pretty quick to almost everyone in the world that I was fasting. And that's not really the point. Maybe it's okay, but I really want to avoid looking good to other people, or more specifically, feeling like I look good. And yet I want to fast. Soon. I'd like to talk to a couple more people (I've talked to several already) and get their opinions. We'll see.

As I recall, the idea of fasting intrigued me because it seemed like it might help me interact with God.

Oh please, please don't idolize me. Don't put me on a pedestal. Don't say my name with reverence. Don't imitate me. There's nothing about Jacob that is worthy of honor or respect. If you only knew what I am you would never again speak highly of me. I am wretched. I am filth. If there is any shred of decency or purity in me, it is wholly by the grace of God. I am a sinner, yet saved by grace. Loved of God. Bloodbought. If there is anything honorable about me it is that I seek God's will and God's truth. But even this is from God. So do not praise me for my goodness - that is idolatry. But praise my Lord and savior, who through his unfathomable love and patience would redeem and refine and restore even such a wretch as me. Give God your praise; I seek it not. Jesus make it so.

This speech was directed to myself. I struggle with pride sometimes, and I have to remind myself that I'm really not all that. Unfortunately, in an effort to avoid pride I tend to become scornful or hateful of myself. In the past (and even now, I think) I tend to speak lowly of myself because that's what we call humility.

I'm 2 days into a 3 day evangelism seminar at Bible School. It's really good - not a lot of stuff I didn't know, but it's good to hear and good to be challenged. In the afternoons we've been sent out to universities to do spiritual surveys and hopefully strike up conversations with people. It's been an excellent experience. I have been surprised by how open most people are to talking about spiritual things. A lot of people seem almost eager to share their opinions, and many are equally eager to hear mine. I've had about 3 really good talks so far (by my count). Today I got to just lay down the gospel according to Jacob to this one guy. It was really exciting. It can be a little discouraging to open doors like that with people and then be like "Thanks, bye" and disappear from their life forever. I just remind myself that the Spirit is at work in their lives, and I'm just one part of that. What happens to them later - whether they become Christians or not - is between them and God. I just praise God for the privilege of being a part of that process. It's incredible. By the way, the fast is coming up, I'm fairly sure. I'm hoping to talk to a teacher tomorrow, and then I think I'm ready to just do it.

This evangelism thing was a significant point in my life. I'd always supposed that non-Christians were either unwilling to talk about spiritual things or had some secret, selfish motives for rejecting Christianity. It was unsettling to talk to people who seemed to be sincerely seeking God and yet didn't seem to be headed towards Christianity. They also raised some questions in my mind that I couldn't easily shrug off.

What should I write? I spoke in the communion service this morning for the first time. I talked about my 1984 experience. I think it was good. Lots of people thanked me for sharing, and I think they were sincere. I'm feeling kind of restless these days. I've been thinking through a zillion things and I feel like I'm growing so fast. I wish I could stay at Bible School forever; it's just perfect. My feeling are all so paradoxical. I feel so alive sometimes, but so empty sometimes. I'm starting to really want to serve God more than anything else, but it can be frustrating, because sometimes I feel so far from him. But I'm excited, because God is definitely at work in my life, and I feel like I'm building up to something. I don't know what it is, but it's coming, and I'm pumped. Lord, keep my focus on you. Never let me turn away. Fill me, but keep me thirsty. Jesus make it so.

"Fill me, but keep me thirsty" (or something along those lines) was a common prayer for me at this time. God always seemed to be better at answering the second part than the first.

I finally got to talk to my teacher today. It's good to talk to people. I think I've got most of the opinions I need about relationship with God. What I need now is research and prayer and fasting and divine revelation. I don't know when I'll do my fast. I was thinking about waiting until after Vancouver [we went on a week-long missions trip to inner-city Vancouver], but I thought there would be nothing wrong with doing a mini-fast before I go. The staff are kicking Vancouver prep into high gear. We watched Through a Blue Lens (a documentary about drugs filmed in Vacouver), which I've already seen twice. Apparently some people were pretty freaked out about it. I tend to err on the side of recklessness, so I don't really relate to that. I just pray that God will keep us exactly as safe as we need to be. I pray that this would be an eye opener (even for me) and that we (I) would be stretched and would really grow a lot on this trip.

Well, here we are in Vancouver. We actually arrived on Friday, but I haven't made time to write until now. It's been pretty good for me so far. I love to come back to Vancouver and see Hastings Street, rotating signs and nice cars. (Those are the 3 things that say "Vancouver" to me.) I got to go to a little store-front mission I've been to before and see the lady who runs it again, so that was really cool. I missed out on my favorite Vancouver church [it's full of mentally handicapped people] because only half of us got to go, but I got to got to a similar church. That was cool. I've also done a good street walk and some other stuff. Emotionally I've been all over the place this week. I think I prayed for more emotion, and either through God's divine intervention or through my own subconscious actualization of my desires (aren't I awful?) I think I've experienced it. I've felt really restless and emotionally vulnerable, kind of like I want to fall in love or speak in tongues or anything big and emotional.

Didn't speak in tongues. Did fall in love. That's what the rest of the trip was about for me. We'll just skip to November.