I'm home from Vancouver now. We drove all Friday night, so I got to have some good talks with people. I talked to one guy about the Pentecostal thing (he grew up in it and believes in it) and heard a girl's life story. I should tell you about this detox center we visited on Friday. They had a "deliverance" session, where they cast off curses and demonic influences and so forth. It was kind of weird. Anyway, I also talked through my method of interpreting Biblical commands with a friend, and I think we may have resolved the gay problem. I'll have to think it through some more. I also had a great talk with another girl about prayer and God's will, which was really insightful. She helped me with the idea of just listening to God, and challenged me to take time to do that. She said it's important not to just fit God into our schedules, but give him priority and be willing to sacrifice anything else to communicate with him.

My idea for interpreting Biblical commands was basically that there are underlying principles which do not change (eg. love your neighbor) but that those principles are manifest in different ways according to our culture, etc. Thus it is neither necessary nor profitable to mimic every specific practice in the Bible (eg. women not speaking in church) as long as we maintain the principles behind those practices in a meaningful and relevant way. I believe the "gay problem" was something along the lines of this method of interpretation seeming to mean that practices such as homosexuality that were condemned in the Bible and which I still (at that time) wanted to condemn would then be condoned, as long as the underlying principles of those commands (whatever they are) were upheld. I have no idea what our solution to this "problem" was. And I've never succeeded in listening to God, my best intentions notwithstanding.

I just re-read all my previous Journal entries, which was a very beneficial experience. Man, I sound like someone who's really seeking God back there! I pray that that passion will not go away. I also realized I've been putting off fasting for a long time. Maybe I'll give it a shot tomorrow. Maybe. As I look back I'm also really frustrated by my inability to pray as much as I should (or really any amount at all). I know I can't guilt myself into a more meaningful (more existent) prayer life, but I'm sick of this wall in my life. When I try to pray my mind wanders, and I never really know what to say. I think maybe tomorrow I'll fire off a bunch of emails to people who might be able to help me. We'll see if that sounds like a good idea in the mourning. Lord Jesus help me.

Well, I didn't. Somehow sending out a bunch of e-mails just seemed dumb. It's hard for me to explain now that it's evening again, but I just couldn't bring myself to send out pseudo-passionate e-mails to people I see every day anyway. Today I did not fast, nor did I pray. I don't know why, it just didn't seem right. It would be awkward to fast while I'm home for the day, because everyone would notice and there would be a lot of questions to answer. Anyway, we had my Aunt and cousin over for supper, so that would have been really weird. I did spend much of the day looking at predestination stuff on the internet. I started with an atheistic view/attack on Romans 9, followed by John Calvin's take on it, and then an in-depth Christian refute of Calvinism with I only just started. The whole thing was beginning to make my head spin, so I cut it short for now. What I'm beginning to realize is that Calvinist predestination is incompatible with what I know of God from the rest of scripture. I'm not sure where that leaves me, except with the need for a lot more study. Lord be with me. Show me the truth.

Romans 9 is my all-time least favorite passage in the Bible, and it's something that I struggled with a lot that year. I still think predestination is an undeniable Biblical concept, and I still think that's incompatible with much of the rest of scripture. (Of course this was more problematic for me when I believed that the Bible was without error.)

Today I had a lot of talks with people. I got to go to a Bible study a friend recommended to me, and I got to talk for some time with the guy who drove me home, and I was encouraged to get out of my little emotional pity-party and focus on God and others. I wish I had recorded my feelings at about 6:00 this afternoon, because I think I sort of hit bottom. I was delivering flyers, and I had sort of worked myself into this state of blind passion where I was just longing to feel intense pain and suffering, and really dwelling on it and working it out in intense eloquent descriptions. (Whenever I do something like this a part of me is just saying "You wretch. You think it's cool to say this stuff? You think you know yourself better than God? You think you're really that good (or bad), and that you can really be that honest? You're all talk - you just like the way it sounds, but it means nothing.") Anyway, maybe I'm over a hump here. Jesus be with me. The fast is definitely tomorrow. I do have a couple of tests tomorrow, which I'll probably not study much for, but we'll see how it goes. I think this may actually be a case of school coming between me and God, but I want to be really careful with that. Lord help me.

I think I was more angry and depressed and more focused on my non-relationship with God in this period than comes through in this journal. My struggle to know when I'm being "honest" or "real" is a major theme of my life, even to this day, as you can see. I've never really figured that one out.

Well, today I fasted. I don't know how well it "worked". I may have learned some things, largely about the subtleties of my own motivations, but I don't really feel like I've grown closer to God. In a word I feel frustrated. I'm frustrated because I feel like God is holding me at arms-length - not letting me fall, but not embracing me. (In my frustration I brought up the question of God's existence, for the first time in a long time. But I didn't get far with that. I know God's there. I can't escape it. But that only compounds my frustration when I feel like he's keeping his distance from me.) I'm frustrated because I believe that God created me primarily to have an intimate relationship with him (don't miss the "wow!"), and if that's truly my desire as well, why doesn't it happen? If God wants something and is striving for it and I'm wanting and striving for the same thing, shouldn't it come to pass? I'm also frustrated with myself, because I know that no matter how hard I try and how subtly I scrutinize myself, I will never have totally pure motives. (I'm also frustrated by my own tendency to over-scrutinize myself.) I'm frustrated because I feel like I should just suck it up and focus on others, but I think I honestly believe that this is important stuff, and I need to resolve it. (I'm also sick of thinking about how maybe service and others-focusedness is maybe the key to knowing God better, and I'm sick of trying to determine if it's true, and what my negative reaction to it means.) I'm really, really frustrated with my own inability to focus on God, specifically being able to pray sincerely and continually, and especially my total failure to practice or even understand being silent before God and listening for his voice. I'm totally lost on that one, and I think it's key. Ultimately I'm frustrated because deep down I suspect that my distance from God (like in most cases) is my own fault, not his, and I'm just tired of not knowing what I'm doing wrong, or what God's getting at, or which of my assumptions are wrong, or whether my attitude is off or maybe my methods, or what it all means. God, God, are you really there? Do you really care? Don't you love me? And especially always why am I saying this, and do I just like the way it sounds or is it really my heart's desire. Oh sweet Jesus, my lover, my savior, won't you rescue me from my own confusion and chronic insincerity! Lord, Lord, help me to change, or change me until you can help me or even leave me if that's your will, just tell me if you can, or just love me, love me, love me, dear God. Amen.

I ended my fast at supper on Friday. I decided that I wasn't "getting anywhere" with it. I suspect that it's not my motivation or my methods that were to blame. After all, it would be impossible for me to ever have totally pure motivation for anything, so in that sense I could never be "good enough" to have a relationship with God. The same is true for my methods - while I readily admit that I'm a very poor prayer and an even worse listener, I could never be really good enough for God. The best I can ever do is try, and focus on improving, with God's help. Anyway, I'm now left feeling that somehow it was not God's will to "reveal himself" (in a relational, not a fantastical way) at this time or in this way. And who am I to argue with God? All I can do is continue to seek, and focus on becoming more in tune with his will, and particularly just focus on others. This was the advice I was getting from people all along, but I had to see if there was a "better" way. Apparently not. Ok, I can live with that. I just felt like I was doing all the things I'm supposed to, ever since maybe summer time (too soon?), but I don't seem to be really, tangibly experiencing a relationship with God. But ok, I'll keep plugging away, only it's hard not to be either impatient or complacent about growing closer to God (by which I mean knowing him and hearing his "voice"). God help me never to be impatient or complacent, but let me always be striving, yet always trusting your timing. But do let me know you, God. In your way and in your time, reveal yourself to me. Lord I thank you and I pray in the name of Jesus, Amen.

Well, what can I tell you? Life in the outside world goes on, much as it has this past age, full of it's own comings and goings - scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits, for which I am very thankful. Anyway, I've had a bunch of talks since my fast ended, and I think I'm getting "better", if happiness is what matters. I was telling a teacher my whole thought process, and he said "It looks like you've been learning a lot", and I was like "Wow, ya, that's right". I guess I didn't come out with the results I'd hoped for, but I did learn some stuff. I had a thought just yesterday: I long to be close to God, and it hurts me to feel distant from him, but how much more must it hurt God not to be able to embrace me. To some extent, that's just his choice not to whisk me away to heaven, but he also seems to be consciously distancing himself (tangibly) from me now, and he must have a really good purpose for that. Maybe it's just to teach me stuff.

This is very difficult for me to say, but looking back I think I can see some of the reasons why God didn't reveal himself to me the way I wanted (want) him to, though of course at the time I never could have imagined them. I still think it would be better for God to be close to me, but I can see some benefits of doing things this way too. I'm certainly a very different person now than I would have been if God had given me my wish 18 months ago. I don't know if I'm a better person, but I'm getting by.

Who am I to seek your counsel or desire your knowledge? I humble myself, for I am a man. I will question you, and perhaps you will answer me.

Who am I, and why did you create me? Why do you love me, and why did you die for my sins? Why do I feel so far from you? Is it my fault? Is it my sin or my guilt? My business or my pride or my faithlessness? Is it because of my imperfect motives or my pathetic prayers that you refuse me? Do I seek what I should not seek, or do I ask too little? Am I too impatient, or too complacent? If you told me what I must do, would I not do it? If you gave me one word - even a word of great sorrow - would I not cling to it and treasure it, forsaking all else for your sake? Am I not willing to carry that cross or drink that cup, or am I not ready? Will you make me willing? Will you answer my prayers?

Do you know me? Did you knit me together in my mother's womb? Have you numbered my hairs? Do you know my cares? Have you probed the very depths of my soul? Have you seen behind my masks? Do you know all of my weakness and shame? Do you understand my motives? Do you know my love and my self-love? Do you know my earnesty and my flippancy? Do you know my passion and my hypocrisy? Do you know who I am, and what I could become? Do you know me?

Do you love me? Did you die for my sins? Did you endure such an abomination for my sake? Did you face the whippings and the spittings, the hate and the pain, the nakedness and the shame and the agony of death for me? Were you separated from your father, and did you endure such things as I cannot imagine just for the hope of relationship with me? Do you love me in my weakness? Do you weep when I din? Do you rejoice in my hopings and trustings? Do you long for me? Do you ache for my fellowship? Do you love me?

Will you free me? Will you break these chains? Will you tear away these dragon-scales I've grown? Will you burn me with your fire? Will you sear away my sinfulness? Will you rip and crush, scrape, break and remake? Will you smite this festering, cancerous godlessness that infests my soul? Will you be zealous? Will you be tender, but unrelenting? Will you not be satisfied with my imperfection? Will you transform me? Will you restore my mauled and disfigured soul at whatever cost, by whatever means? Will you make my one desire the seeking of your glory? Do you see amid the greed and grief of my soul the beginnings of that desire? Will you free me?

Will you start today?

This post is based loosely on Job 38-39, in which God responds to Job's complaints with a series of rhetorical questions about himself, with the answer to each being no. Finding myself in a similar situation (qualitatively, not quantitatively) to Job, I had the idea of writing a response in a similar style, using (primarily) rhetorical questions about God, with the response to each being yes. I really like this post.

What can I say? I'm beginning to feel like simply wanting to fallow God is not enough. It's interesting because this year for the first time in my life I feel like I really, truly want to honor God more than anything else, and I'm prepared to do anything for him. But somehow it's not enough. God seems silent, or distant, and I don't feel like I'm really being stretched to do all that I can do. Is there a formula that I missed? I don't think so. Then what? Am I just being impatient? Maybe, but is it wrong to crave holiness? How many times have I said "God, I'm ready. Do your will in me" and meant it (as much as I can mean anything) and heard nothing? Maybe that means I'm right where God wants me to be, doing just what I should be doing, but it doesn't seem like it. Lord God, my master, my heartbeat, command me! You have authority over me. If I am not ready then make me ready, but if I am ready then use me. Your will be done Lord. Jesus, sweet Jesus, make it so!

Oh God, I'm getting fed up. I've been around this bush so long I can't even make a coherent metaphor for it. Anyway God, I'm just tired of analyzing and questioning and searching and guessing and crying out and longing and praying and hoping and despairing and I think maybe I'm done. Done what, I don't know. But maybe I'm moving on. Do you know how hard it is to seek and not find? (Am I allowed to say that? Am I going to far?) I'm just frustrated, God! Jesus Christ, what do you want from me? Lord God! Aaa! What can I say? What is there left to feel or to pray? Where haven't I been on this issue? God? God! Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me! My sight, Lord; I want my sight! Lord! What can I say?

Talked to a guy again today. It was good. His answer is to do what God is telling you (Bible) right here and now. He's right, I know. Lord Jesus, help me! Help me!

That second sentence is one of my favorites. I got halfway through it and realized I didn't have a clue what I was intending to say or why I was talking about a bush. I must have spent five minutes staring at it trying to figure out a way to salvage it. You can see my classic cycle between hope and frustration in these past three entries. I don't know how many times I went through this over the next year or so. I'm glad that's over.