The realization that Bible school is almost over - that in a few short days I'll be done and doing something else - suddenly overwhelmed me. I'm suddenly back to feeling depressed and angry and restless and lethargic. I feel like water running down. Mingled and entwined in my heart are the desires to scream and destroy and the desires to love and give. Give not for the giving, but for the emptying, the bleeding, the loss. Love not for the loving, but for the passion and yearning and hurting. I'm reflecting now, sort of switching gears. I'm looking back over my previous entries and feeling nostalgic. I miss that passionate longing. But maybe I've forgotten how hard it was. I reread November 26 and it doesn't sound like much fun. Ah, forget it. I'm struggling for coherency here, but I'm giving up. Oh I wish I could play the piano like a demon. I'm full of a gentle fury, and if I was a wicked pianist I could scream and pound and whisper, bleeding my dark soul through my fingertips in a symphony of beautiful cold noise. "A gentle fury". Sounds good, doesn't it?

What if I were going to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength? What if I were going to dedicate every aspect of my being to his service? What would have to change? Ok, flashback to around Christmas time. I'm feeling convicted again to form a more meaningful relationship with my parents. If anyone should be asked these kinds of questions, it's them. Why is this so hard?

New topic: Somebody told me yesterday that I'm the kind of guy who has no emotion. I can see why he'd think that, but I think he's wrong. I think I'm very passionate, actually. I can be physically sick over a girl. I can work myself into dark spirals of depression that color my whole world in red and black. I can feel great anger towards God for his silence and distance. And I suppose I can long for God too, when my frustration ebbs. The problem is that most of my emotions are negative and destructive. I suppose I'm a pessimist at heart. So I generally try to suppress my emotions, and I think I mostly succeed, at least to the point of hiding them from others. But they're still there, brooding below the surface, to be called upon when I feel like being love-sick or depressed or angry. I'd like to have some more positive emotions, but I don't know how to develop them. Jesus.

Quickly back to the first topic. I suppose my thinking of talking to my parents is what you would call an epiphany. I suppose I could attribute it to the prompting of the spirit. Not that I need to - I can easily see the thought process leading up to it, so it's hardly a miracle, but if I were looking to confirm (rather than deny) the voice of God answering my prayers, that's the sort of thing I might take as evidence. To be fair.

My Old Testament prof marked my paper on Malachi, though he hasn't handed it back yet. He sort of alluded to it in class, and apparently he brought it up in a staff meeting too. I think it really affected him, probably negatively. Reading through Malachi I got really mad at God, and I think I really let my venom drip through onto my paper. Then my prof got it on his hands, and he wiped his eyes, and now we're all in trouble. I'm thinking about why I write papers like that, and there's probably dozens of reasons, but basically it's irresponsible, I think, to burden my prof with that. I hope to talk with him soon and "sort it out". Jesus make me honest.

I'm not sure if I agree with my conclusion here anymore. I don't think I should have to worry about protecting professors from my difficulties with the material. I think mostly I just hate making people feel bad, and I blame myself for causing them discomfort by asking tough questions. On the other hand, sometimes I do share more of my problems with certain people than I should. It's tough to strike the right balance.

Well, grad was yesterday, and now it's all over. It's very weird, and hard to comprehend. Some people are already gone. One of my friends left without saying goodbye. That was hard. And most people who are staying around I'll rarely see anymore. So many people, so many memories, such great community, and now it's gone. That hurts. Jesus be with us.