Here I am again. Today is a spiritual retreat with Bible School so I'm going to see if I can write something. The last month or two have been pretty turbulent, with my frustration and doubt sort of peaking, and me realizing that I'm stuck as a Christian, and I can't do anything about it. But I cannot come to God from a position of intellectual pride - I must realize my dependency on God and just trust him.

On the way to Mexico. More on that later. I picked this thing up again because I need to flesh out a thought I'm having. I was just wondering why people hang out with me. Is it because I'm funny or interesting, or is it because they're good people, and feel like they should, even if they don't want to? Oh, I hope I'm fun to be with; that no one's doing a good deed by hanging out with me. But why do I hope that? Because I'm proud and want to feel like I'm worth something, and my gauge of that is other's opinions. I judge other people, giving them value based on their beauty or intelligence or whatever, and based on that I declare them either someone I want to hang out with or someone I feel I should hang out with as a good deed. The first group I think of highly, and the second group lowly, and it's only natural then, that I should wonder what group I'm in in other people's minds, and because I assign value to them based on their desirability, I wish to assign value to myself based on their opinions. This whole thing is twisted and wrong. The best people are the ones who really want to hang out with everyone, or at least make you believe they do. And God has no such distinctions. So who cares if people hang out with me because they want to or out of mercy - I deserve it either way, and it's their loss only if they do it for the wrong reasons. Of course this also applies to me - I need to hang out with everyone out of love and enjoy it. I can't do that in my own strength. There's no way. But I can pray to be conformed to the heart of God in all my relating to others. Jesus Christ, make it so.

So we stopped in Vegas yesterday and walked down the strip. It was incredible: the hotels were bigger than you can imagine, the whole thing reeked of decadence and excess, and there was porn everywhere you looked. It struck me that this is IT. This is the pinnacle of hedonism and materialism. This is what the rest of our society aspires to. And it's shit. It's repulsive. It stinks of sin and selfishness and it crawls with the cancerous pleasure-lust that our world worships. Any longing for wealth or power or excitement is merely a dilution of this great lie which is seen so plainly here. It makes me think twice before looking to pleasure and self-indulgence. I suppose if you want to determine what is good, you should look at it in it's most concentrated form, where everything is compressed and exaggerated. In this form, sin is seen as clearly undesirable, and Godliness is seen as transcendently beautiful. Jesus keep this in my mind (as you will), and let me never thirst for "hint of shit".

We're stranded overnight in Barstow California in a little Vineyard Church. The bus broke down, but it should be fixed today. Last night we had a good long worship session. We sand and talked and did our choir songs, and we sang He is Wonderful over and over. The whole thing was cool - classic worship experience dealie. And I don't know, it was good and whatever. Now I'm sitting here just getting frustrated thinking about it. I thought writing would help me sort through what I think of worship stuff and the feelings it produces. I don't know what I think. Grr. Oh Jesus Christ. I can't do the feeling thing. Maybe for the moment, but never for long. But I think I can do dogged, hell-bent devotion, if you'll help me.

Oh ya, I guy offered to take me to his pastor and see if I can be baptized in the Spirit, but I'm just so skeptical, I don't think I can. But I'd like to maybe see it or something. Jesus Christ. Give me what strength I need to do your work to the highest degree. Be the Lord over me.

I am strong; break me. I am proud; break me. I am cool and complacent; break me. I am lukewarm, I am secure, I am self-righteous; break me! I am self-reliant, self-indulgent, self-exalting, and self-focused; break me. I am angry and lazy, I am skin-deep and love-dry; break me. I am sinful and fearful and wretched and weak; break me still. Lord I'm working on a guess here, but I think I need breaking. Hello Jesus, my name is Jacob, and I'm a stupid, prideful, complacent wretch. Oh Jesus, break me. Brokenness, brokenness is what I long for.