I'm at camp. I can't blog, so I'm journaling. I'm feeling sick. Like heart-sick, or soul-sick. I just read back through this journal, and the total effect is kind of depressing and frustrating. I've realized just today that I'm struggling against God, and it's a dumb thing to do, and I need to stop. I need to just let go of all my expectations and longings for God and be good. But it sucks. I don't want to live my life like this.

The astute reader will note that there were no entries for June. By this point my blog was in full motion, and only the absence of computer access at camp allowed for these final few entries.

We're going to turn this thing around. I'm going to get out of this anger and doubt shit and come back to God. I realized just recently a few glaringly obvious things that must be admitted and must be acted on. First, I'm fighting against God. Second, this is a stupid thing to do. Third, I've become used to this, and do it just out of habit. Fourth, I do this largely because I find normal Christianity boring, and I rebel to feel special and interesting. This also means that I'm looking for some dramatic event to justify a return to God, rather than just admit I'm being stupid and do what I know I have to do.

But I'm ready now. Maybe it's just being here at camp with so many cool people - people who believe things I'd never even consider believing, trusting God to a degree I'd only imagine trusting him - but I'm feeling ready to let go of my angry stubbornness and be his child again. I'm ready to pray without cynicism and try reading my Bible and being joyful and content. There's nothing dramatic about this. It's just a choice I needed to make, and now I've made it, so let's get on with life.

I'm at children's camp, sitting on my bunk. I should probably be out there doing something with my kids, but I just can't find the strength to smile and deal with them now. I'm feeling drained, hopeless, purposeless. I'm fighting to keep the Evanescence out of my mental playlist. Why am I here? Because I said I would be. Because they need someone to be here so the kids can be here. But I don't think I'm doing a very good job. I'm back to that problem I faced my previous week of counseling - the week before I started coming back to God. The problem is prayer. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, do I pray for strength? Because I'm convinced that God will not help me in any perceivable, tangible way. To pray without faith would be wrong. But if I don't pray, I'm relying on my own strength. What if I fail? Worse, what if I succeed? I don't want to be self-sufficient. But I'm beginning to think that's the way it's got to be. I am Jacob; I am strong. Somehow, somewhere, that strength comes from God, but I don't understand that part.