I had a good talk with a friend last night. We basically went through everything that I've been thinking about lately, so most of the stuff in this journal. It was good to get it off my chest, just share how I'm feeling with someone. We kept coming back to the idea of the spiritual/emotional verses the mental aspects of Christianity. Generally, I don't feel that intimate, touchy-feely relationship with God that some people claim. And even when I do slide into something emotional, I'm always second-guessing myself and questioning whether I'm having an authentic "God moment" or just a contrived burst of emotionalism to satisfy my self-indulgent cravings. (My friend totally agreed with me on most of this stuff, so we got to do some good commiserating.) One of the things that occurred to me while we were talking is that it's one thing to say "Ok, I'm not feeling very supernatural at this point in my life, but I'll pray, and I'll get over it", but it's something entirely different to say "You know, maybe this is the way it'll always be for me. Maybe intellectualism is all I'll ever have, and I'll never on this earth feel truly intimate with God." Maybe that's the way it is. And that terrifies me. On one level, if God requires that kind of devotion from me, I think I'm willing to just do it. But I desperately want something more. I'm thinking about fasting - maybe that will help me sort things out. I'll probably bring that up again in a later entry.