Well, today I fasted. I don't know how well it "worked". I may have learned some things, largely about the subtleties of my own motivations, but I don't really feel like I've grown closer to God. In a word I feel frustrated. I'm frustrated because I feel like God is holding me at arms-length - not letting me fall, but not embracing me. (In my frustration I brought up the question of God's existence, for the first time in a long time. But I didn't get far with that. I know God's there. I can't escape it. But that only compounds my frustration when I feel like he's keeping his distance from me.) I'm frustrated because I believe that God created me primarily to have an intimate relationship with him (don't miss the "wow!"), and if that's truly my desire as well, why doesn't it happen? If God wants something and is striving for it and I'm wanting and striving for the same thing, shouldn't it come to pass? I'm also frustrated with myself, because I know that no matter how hard I try and how subtly I scrutinize myself, I will never have totally pure motives. (I'm also frustrated by my own tendency to over-scrutinize myself.) I'm frustrated because I feel like I should just suck it up and focus on others, but I think I honestly believe that this is important stuff, and I need to resolve it. (I'm also sick of thinking about how maybe service and others-focusedness is maybe the key to knowing God better, and I'm sick of trying to determine if it's true, and what my negative reaction to it means.) I'm really, really frustrated with my own inability to focus on God, specifically being able to pray sincerely and continually, and especially my total failure to practice or even understand being silent before God and listening for his voice. I'm totally lost on that one, and I think it's key. Ultimately I'm frustrated because deep down I suspect that my distance from God (like in most cases) is my own fault, not his, and I'm just tired of not knowing what I'm doing wrong, or what God's getting at, or which of my assumptions are wrong, or whether my attitude is off or maybe my methods, or what it all means. God, God, are you really there? Do you really care? Don't you love me? And especially always why am I saying this, and do I just like the way it sounds or is it really my heart's desire. Oh sweet Jesus, my lover, my savior, won't you rescue me from my own confusion and chronic insincerity! Lord, Lord, help me to change, or change me until you can help me or even leave me if that's your will, just tell me if you can, or just love me, love me, love me, dear God. Amen.