Oh God, I'm getting fed up. I've been around this bush so long I can't even make a coherent metaphor for it. Anyway God, I'm just tired of analyzing and questioning and searching and guessing and crying out and longing and praying and hoping and despairing and I think maybe I'm done. Done what, I don't know. But maybe I'm moving on. Do you know how hard it is to seek and not find? (Am I allowed to say that? Am I going to far?) I'm just frustrated, God! Jesus Christ, what do you want from me? Lord God! Aaa! What can I say? What is there left to feel or to pray? Where haven't I been on this issue? God? God! Jesus, Son of David, have mercy on me! My sight, Lord; I want my sight! Lord! What can I say?

Talked to a guy again today. It was good. His answer is to do what God is telling you (Bible) right here and now. He's right, I know. Lord Jesus, help me! Help me!

That second sentence is one of my favorites. I got halfway through it and realized I didn't have a clue what I was intending to say or why I was talking about a bush. I must have spent five minutes staring at it trying to figure out a way to salvage it. You can see my classic cycle between hope and frustration in these past three entries. I don't know how many times I went through this over the next year or so. I'm glad that's over.