I spent most of today playing computer games. (I'm off for holidays now.) I hope I don't do that again. I had a realization today that's kind of exciting, and kind of scary. I've been saying that I'm fed up with being a lukewarm Christian, and that I want to be totally committed at soul-level and have that reflect in everything I do. I've talked to different people (teachers mostly) and told them that I want to be pushed and challenged to be the best I can be. Today it struck me that there are two people who I'm afraid to say that to, but I need to. I'm afraid to tell them because they know me better than anyone else (it's easy to open yourself up to rebuke from someone who never sees the things in you that need rebuking) and they see my ugly side more than anyone else. I'm afraid because challenging me is their job, and I generally don't like it. I'm afraid because I don't know if I could even convince them that this is what I want, because they don't see me as the perfect, passionate man I am at school. (At least, that's the way I try to appear at school: perfect, passionate, and a man. No, maybe I'm too hard on myself. But I digress.) I'm afraid because they could abuse that authority to make me do something I really don't want to do. (Like get my driver's license.) These people, of course, are my parents. Now, I try to obey them more (though sometimes I forget that I'm trying) and I try to talk to them more (why don't I?) but this is totally on a different level. I don't think I could really say that to them right now and mean it, so I won't, but it will be said, soon. Oh God, thank you for showing me what I need to do. Now I pray that you would give me the strength to do it and help me swallow my pride and overcome my selfish laziness. Help me become the man you created me to be. Live through me Lord. Jesus make it so.

I never did ask my parents to challenge me, at least, not in so many words. I'm not sure why this seemed like such a revelation then and doesn't interest me now. Maybe because they already let me know when they think I'm out of line. Maybe I've gotten better at obeying them since I first wrote this. Or maybe I've decided that they don't really know me all that well. I suppose I've come to believe that the one person who knows me well enough to really challenge me is myself. (I'm not perfect for the job, but I'm more qualified than anyone else I know.) That being said, if you ever think I need a kick in the butt, I'd welcome your input.