"Just a single, nameless, lunatic boy, all alone in his despair, rotting into the dirt... maybe I'd be ok with that." Who writes this stuff? Have I become so secure with a sleeping-giant God that I'd boldly whisper such taunts and teasings in his ear? Do I really think that if there were even the smallest chance that I might be held accountable to such statements, that I would still make them? Wretch! God is not a beast who can be goaded into obedience. He will not be taken in by your self-righteous demands or your emotionalistic manipulation. He is not fooled by your boasting or snivelling or your smooth, passionate words. Even know you're absorbed with your own perceived eloquence. Even now you try on emotions like shirts, looking for the one that will trigger a response from your slot-machine God.

...Well. Now I've thought myself into a corner. I've sneered at all my best attempts at passion and honesty. I've accused myself of incessantly attempting to manipulate God with charades of submissiveness. What can I say after that? Brother Lawrence said "there needed neither art nor science for going to God, but only a heart resolutely determined to apply itself to nothing but Him, or for His sake, and to love Him only." Ok, I thought that's what I was doing. So am I totally mistaken about my own motivation, or is Brother Lawrence just a crackpot? Oh God, it would be so much easier if you'd just show me what's going on. Even if that means yelling at me. I'm just shooting in the dark, God. And I'm feeling frustrated. Maybe that's all part of your plan God, and that's cool, but otherwise, I'd really appreciate a hand.

My struggle to form some kind of workable knowledge of my own true thoughts and feelings (if such things exist) is by no means over. I still feel like I don't have a clue if what I'm saying is true a large percentage of the time. I get less frustrated about it these days - I just give it my best guess and run with it - but I really, really wish I could know when I'm bullshitting Jesus. Out of curiosity, am I the only one who feels like I don't know who I really am?