It's stupid that I'm not writing more - I've got so much going on. I'm really seeing some interesting stuff related to my identity as a Christian. Friday was a "spiritual retreat" with Carmel, so I spent a lot of time in prayer. I don't think I've ever prayed as long and earnestly as I did on Friday. In some ways it was amazing. But I'm pretty sure I didn't hear from God. I've said this before, but I really think I'm at the point of total frustration. I've tried not to become complacent, and I don't think I am, but I feel disillusioned, and I don't really have the faith that God will speak to me. How can I? I mean, I think maybe God will reveal himself to me someday, but I just have very little hope left that this is the day. Maybe my whole approach or attitude is wrong, but I'm done beating myself up about that. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT I'M DOING WRONG IF YOU WON'T TELL ME? I think maybe this whole attitude of expectation or that I can demand something of God is a little off - certainly I have qualms about yelling at him. And yet this is how I feel, and I think it's better to acknowledge that and deal with it then suppress it. Anyway, the first part of my crisis with Christianity (in summary) is that I can't seem to meet with God. Period. So basically, I have no emotional/spiritual aspect to my faith. Maybe tomorrow I'll give you part 2.