I've been trying to think a lot lately, but my mind is muddled. My Bible study tonight was on Romans 9, so I'm a bit mad at God right now. I'm wondering if my whole approach to God issues is wrong. See, when I read about these issues, I don't think "how can I fit this into my idea of a good God", I think "does this mean there even is a good God?" I'm not willing to let go of my skepticism. And while that may be a good thing, and even necessary for me intellectually, I think it hinders my spiritual growth. But I don't know if I should or even could give up my doubts. Maybe if I tried for dumb faith I would walk away from God altogether. Maybe I should just walk away. But I don't think I really could do that either. So I'm stuck. Jesus Christ help me. I can't even pray.

I've never totally resolved this apparent tension between thinking and having faith. I like to think that faith that infringes on reason isn't real/good/beneficial faith, but I'm not sure if that's true or not. I suppose I currently just see no reason to pursue faith at the expense of reason, so I confine faith to the things about which I have no knowledge. I have no idea if this is "right" or not.