I'm feeling frustrated again. Yesterday I spent the afternoon rewriting the story of the prodigal son according to my experiences with the non-presence of God. I read it to a teacher and we discussed how I'm too cynical about everything. I was struck. I know I'm cynical, but how could I not be? Would I still be smart if I wasn't cynical? Could I even stop if I tried? I don't know. I started writing a New Testament paper today on the role of the Holy Spirit in the early church, and I quickly reverted to bitterness and cynicism. I don't know how to stop that. I can't envision thinking about things any other way. God! What do I do? Where are you? How can you be all-powerful and all-silent? How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? (Psalm 13) God, I want to break free from this pit of longing. Wait, I guess I asked for this, didn't I? Well, this isn't what I meant! It's not helping me! I'm just stagnant and self-focused, and it's holding me back. I don't know, Lord. Please help me.

The story referred to at the top is one of my favorites. I think I'll include it below.