I've learned something very interesting about theology: it's illogical. On first viewing each doctrine seems simple. Then it becomes mystical, then complex, then baffling, and ultimately contradictory. Push anything far enough and it becomes a basic contradiction. Three in one? Absurd. Fully God and fully man? Incompatible. Predestination and free will? Lunacy. You know, I used to scorn Mormons - how could they waste their good brain on such obvious foolishness? And I used to shake my head at Orwell. Would any human beings so willingly abuse their intellect? But then I looked at what I believe. Christianity can only exist through ignorance or doublethink. So ultimately, I've reached a point where I have to choose between forsaking my mind and trusting an irrational God, or running from him, or staying in this terrible limbo. I suppose the critical factor here is my deep gut feeling that God exists and all of this is true. Perhaps it would be wise for me to attempt to break that bond, just to see if it could be broken. If so, I could forsake this illogical Christianity and go wherever my mind takes me - likely Agnosticism. If not, I would have to accept that I truly am stuck with God, and I'll have to do my best with that - likely by surrendering to him in faith. One thing is certain: I do not want to stay here in stagnant cynicism. But I do not think I could do what I've proposed - my fear of hell and a wasted life [wasted because it is not "lived for Christ" as the camp preachers would say] runs too deep. The irony is that by rejecting this proposal I may be choosing to waste my life in cynicism. God, what's going on? Am I being honest, or sensational? Guide me Lord.

I apologize for my rather scornful and dismissive mention of Mormonism. Where I come from Mormonism is the face of unthinking religion, and I'd be grateful for the opportunity to adjust my views towards Mormons if anyone were willing to help me out. (And I still think most of our theology is contradictory.)