What if I were going to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength? What if I were going to dedicate every aspect of my being to his service? What would have to change? Ok, flashback to around Christmas time. I'm feeling convicted again to form a more meaningful relationship with my parents. If anyone should be asked these kinds of questions, it's them. Why is this so hard?

New topic: Somebody told me yesterday that I'm the kind of guy who has no emotion. I can see why he'd think that, but I think he's wrong. I think I'm very passionate, actually. I can be physically sick over a girl. I can work myself into dark spirals of depression that color my whole world in red and black. I can feel great anger towards God for his silence and distance. And I suppose I can long for God too, when my frustration ebbs. The problem is that most of my emotions are negative and destructive. I suppose I'm a pessimist at heart. So I generally try to suppress my emotions, and I think I mostly succeed, at least to the point of hiding them from others. But they're still there, brooding below the surface, to be called upon when I feel like being love-sick or depressed or angry. I'd like to have some more positive emotions, but I don't know how to develop them. Jesus.

Quickly back to the first topic. I suppose my thinking of talking to my parents is what you would call an epiphany. I suppose I could attribute it to the prompting of the spirit. Not that I need to - I can easily see the thought process leading up to it, so it's hardly a miracle, but if I were looking to confirm (rather than deny) the voice of God answering my prayers, that's the sort of thing I might take as evidence. To be fair.