I suppose I should tell you how that night went. I stayed up until 5:00 waiting for God. Finally I admitted that it was stupid, and that God will not come at my call, even to kick my butt. I think it was useful in some way though, if only because I can now tell myself that I've done everything short of suicide, self-mutilation, and having some Pentecostal preacher lay hands on me to receive a tangible relationship with God, and none of it has worked at all. Suicide's an interesting thought though. I would never consider killing myself, because I can think of literally dozens of people whose love that would betray. But I just wish I could die right now and be with Jesus. Sorry, that's a bad place to end, but writing in this Journal has somehow become burdensome to me. I can't go on.